established 10 august 2009

Monday, November 21, 2016

What If?

Recently, I went to a fireside about mental health. A lot was talked about, including anxiety for a short time. For myself, realizing that I deal with anxiety didn't come to light until this summer after a panic attack. So pretty recent - and the more I've thought about the more I realize it ps been around as long as I can remember, just like my depression. It became even more apparent while I was at the fireside. The speaker taught us that people with anxiety disorder ask the "what if" question a lot.

Whoa. That hit home. "What If"? - I do that. A lot. The example I thought of right away was in my relationship with Adam. Especially when I have something important to talk to him about.

I begin to think of worst case scenarios where we end fighting, arguing and hurtful words are said that can't be taken back. The emotions I experience through these terrible imaginations feel completely real that at times I can literally feel a panic attack emerging to the surface. I have to slow down, take a step back and continually tell myself that this imaginary, angry Adam I've made up in my head, is not real.  I have been doing this for as long as can remember with not only Adam but others I love and care about in life. Family, friends, teachers and countless others. It is literally, the way my brain reacts to stress.

Surprisingly, I felt compelled to share some of these thoughts to dozens of strangers at this fireside. My heart was racing and then my hand was up in the air and words starting spilling out. When I was done sharing, I couldn't believe what I had just done. Ironically, my anxiety was high for about the next hour.

For myself, and many others, anxiety is not just a thought process of ridiculous scenarios that aren't going to happen but it is a feeling that overtakes my entire body at times. I feel it - intensely. It consumes the body as if its pulsing through my veins. My heart is pounding and my mind is racing. My hands shake and my words stutter. Its hard to cope with at times but I'm usually able to get out of it by myself some way. Music tends to help a lot.

If you don't deal with anxiety, it's likely you know someone who does. You may be wondering or have wondered in past. I can't tell you how to fix someone, because honestly you can't. But I can tell you how to help. Don't seek out to fix the problem. Sympathize. And if you can empathize, all the better. But don't talk to them to try and fix what is wrong. We just need to know that you're listening. That you care. Tell us you know its hard. That what we are going through must suck. Tell us we're strong. That you believe in us. That we are capable. When we feel alone and that no one truly understands what we are going through, tell us - tell us that's not true. If there is one thing we should believe, it is that we are not alone. That there is one who knows our exact pain, sorrow and the feeling of being incapable of handling our own emotions. That one is, Christ.

Jesus Christ felt every kind of sorrow, loneliness, ailment, hopelessness and all other earthly pain we endure in the garden of Gethsemane. Our loving Savior has perfect empathy. When we forget, we need to remind each other of his perfect love.

Anxiety is difficult. Crippling at times. It shouldn't be disregarded as an attention grabber. Those who suffer from anxiety, you've probably had at least one experience where you opened up about your anxiety to someone. Maybe it was the first time so they could be informed or maybe you told them in the moment you were feeling anxiety take control. And they said "Well don't." "Stop it." Get over it."
"You're fine." This hurts. And may have turned you off from wanting to share anymore. I get that. I really do.

But remember, if we try, it can get better. Maybe we won't be cured in this life time, but we can feel better. We can take control. Maybe not alone. We need help. So get on your knees often and plead for the Savior to watch over you. To help day by day until one day, you will feel His strength in your life.

In the month of gratitude, work hard to find that joy in your trials. Seek out what you are grateful for in this life. Thank your Father in Heaven. Let's make our weaknesses become strengths with our Saviors help. One day at a time.

Our anxiety can make us better people - if we let it. We can find joy in our trials. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Gratitude in Dark Moments

This morning I have seen a lot of negativity floating around, mainly on FaceBook, due to the election. To be honest, it's quite tiring. So, in hopes to shed some light and hope in this moment of darkness for many, I want to share my gratitude.

Adam, my dear husband. My most true friend. You have always tried to understand me for who I am. From the first time we met, you have shed your light upon me - lifted me up with your spiritual thoughts and hope. You have let me discover who I am for myself - even though, you've always understood what kind of person I am. Our friendship is one that only comes once or twice in a life time. And I'm so grateful to be my best friends wife. Adam, you are truly an example to me. Your hard work and humility are wonderful to witness. I wonder in awe at your knowledge of gospel principles and doctrines. One of my favorite things to watch is you playing with our boys. Helping them discover something new. Kneeling with them at prayer at night. Giving them hugs when they need comfort. Showing them how to respectfully treat and love your wife. I'm grateful for your worthiness to give me blessings when I need comfort and guidance. I love going to the holy temple of our Savior with you and feel of His spirit with you by my side. I love you, Adam. Not just until the end, but through the eternities.

Alister, everyone you come into contact with, you bring joy into their life. They always tell us how much they enjoy your loving personality. People are surprised with your polite attitude. And you always seem to know how to make others laugh. From a very young age, like 3 months old, you have loved to make others smile and laugh. Your personality is similar to my own, so it times, I know it is hard for us to understand one another. But your example of love and forgiveness and acceptance is beautifully pure. I hope and pray that you will always be this way. I have so many wonderful memories of just you and me. Taking you for walks on lovely fall mornings in Cedar City. Rocking you to sleep when you first came home and feeling scared because I had never held a newborn until I had you. I knew nothing about babies or how to raise one. I was terrified that I would not be a good enough mother for you. I still worry about it. But you taught me what it was to truly love someone before even knowing them. You gave me a glimpse of Charity.

Corbin, from the moment you were born, I knew you would be like your father. I knew that you and I would have an easier time understanding each other because of it. I don't think there's anything wrong with this - it is just that way. You have fiery personality. One that I think makes you a little misunderstood. But, that's alright, you just feel a lot and have a lot to say. You know what you want and aren't afraid to voice it. I admire that about you. You seem to have a special love for being outdoors. Your example of wanting me to read "The Jesus Book" (The Book of Mormon) each night has helped my own love for the scriptures grow immensely stronger over the last couple of months. You too, make others happy with your vibrancy and talkative personality. While bringing you home was less scary, I worried that I wouldn't know how to divide my time equally between you and your brother. Especially because your a mommas boy. (Which I love). But watching you grow to love and admire your big brother has been nothing but joyous.

You two can and will do great things for others in this world. Both individually and together. Keep the Lord close, pray often and always read the scriptures with purpose. The Lord with never forsaken you or leave you to wonder alone if you heed to his words. Both through scriptures and His prophets.

My family and the restored gospel of my Savior, Jesus Christ are the things I am most grateful for in this life. They make my life full and bring light into my own dark moments.

I love you all so much.

Friday, September 30, 2016

It Doesn't Have To Be That Bad

As the winds blew, the currents began to push us up stream along the Snake River in Island Park, Idaho in our long red canoe. It was my first my time canoeing and my new husband wanted it to be perfect - but can anything be truly perfect? As I listened to his complaints of frustration, I calmly turned to him and said “It doesn’t have to be that bad.” Little did I know, that those seven, simple words spoken on our honeymoon would impact him through out our marriage. 

Now, I'm not saying I'm wise or anything, but I mean, isn't this so true? It is up to us to change the mood of any situation. We can choose to be positive or negative. To be offended or not. I know, I know. This is much easier said then done. But, is that not why we have scriptures and prayer? To help strengthen us in times of need when we need that extra boost of light to get us through the day or week or how ever long we need. I should hope we feel that we need the Saviors guidance everyday - but somedays we need extra help. To make us realize, we don't have to do it alone.

The Savior died for us to fulfill the atonement. This is something He had to do alone. Only He could fulfill this everlasting task of Grace and Charity. Which leads me to this - we do not have to face anything alone. Christ has Never asked us to walk alone and He never will. He asks us to seek for His light and guiding hand. I know that I forget at times to ask for help. And let me tell you something - those times are ridiculously hard and lonely. I feel weighed down and at times I feel like I'm drowning. When I feel this way, I know that this is was the Savior is doing for me. 

I am certain there are times the Lord wants to tell us that it doesn't have to be that bad - just ask, I will give it to you, I will help you, I will take your hand and hold you up. You need not ever be alone.

I have tried to imagine my Savior in this more personal way lately. I am certain that I can guarantee you that if you do this, you will see and come to know Christ in a new way. One where He did not die for everyone (while that's true) but where He died for You. Christ loves each of so much, that I truly believe that He would have died for just me if I was the only soul needing saving. Just like I know He died for me, I know He died for You. Do you? Do you believe this with all the faith in your heart, mind and soul? If you're unsure, even just slightly, then I implore you, seek Him out even more. Begin to think of Him in a more personal way. When you kneel to pray, tell Him Everything. I mean, Everything. All your thoughts, desires, worries and concerns. Your accomplishments and failures. Joys and heartache. Oh how wonderful it is to know that He is listening. You may feel silly at first, speaking this way in prayer at first. But don't give up. Don't quit. Keep kneeling down. Keep talking. You will get there. And one day, you'll realize that your relationship with Christ has grown immensely. 

I love my Savior and God. I know they love me. I know they love you. So, when life gets hard - when the winds are pushing you up stream, just remember, "It doesn't have to be that bad."

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Let's Talk: Emotional & Mental Abuse

As a senior in high school, I was in a relationship with a boy, we'll call him Tom, who was extremely abusive. Emotionally and mentally. 

I was in this relationship for a year - like many, it took me a long time to realize what was going on.

My senior year, should have been a blast, I had three dance classes, great friends and was finally on dance company - and I became the technical coordinator for the dance company. Plus, I loved seminary. So, you know, it should have rocked.

But, being in a relationship where your partner toys with your mind and emotions is terribly draining. Some days were great and he made me feel so loved - others he made me feel like I was the worst girlfriend ever undeserving of anyone else's love but his own. And I believed him. Truly, with all my being, I believed that no one could love me better. It's sad, pathetic even, but true.

Through this year, I became severely depressed. Unknowingly. I became closed off and distant from everyone I loved and cared about - family and friends. My hobbies became uninteresting and less desirable to persue. I lost important friendships. I lost respect. I felt utterly alone. While all of this hurt and I was even blinded in the moment, the thing I lost that was most important was myself. 

Tom was not only abusive but possessive as well. He didn't like me wearing makeup or wearing my hair nicely when I wasn't with him. He didn't want me cutting my hair because girls should have long hair. He didn't want me going to my senior dances (he lived in the Salt Lake Valley and I lived in the St. George Valley). Tom was also paranoid. If I didn't answer my phone right away, text or phone call, he assumed the worst of me. That I had to be cheating on him. Especially with his friend who I sat next to in history class because I was the only person he knew at school because he was a new student there my senior year. So, basically I couldn't have friends. Thus, losing my friends. 

Through out this year I had a few experiences that I have really stuck with me and I will probably never forget. Those who know me well, know that I danced through out high school. I'm not talking drill team. I mean, classical ballet, modern and some jazz and tap. And i remember, being in dance class one day and seeing myself in the mirror. I saw something I had never seen before. My hip and rib bones had become quite predominant. They stuck out while I was just standing there, doing nothing. I remember the shock I felt. The embarrassment. The overwhelming emotion of not understanding why. Why? Why was I so skinny? How could this be? How did I not notice until now? Depression my friends. Depression is a blinding and cruel companion when allowed to take over and have the upper hand. 

There was another point, close to the end of the school year, my senior year, during a dance concert rehearsal, where I broke down. I had been texting, Tom. Short version, he told me I was a slut for dancing and he wouldn't be coming to the concert because he wouldn't support me for being so immodest. I was standing back stage on the verge of tears when another girl (we'll call her, Sarah) on company asked me if I was alright. I looked up at her and just broke. Tears flowed down my face and I felt myself falling apart. Sarah didn't pry. She didn't tell me to stop crying. She didn't make a big scene. She saw me crying and embraced me. Sarah, with out any hesitation had wrapped me in her arms and just let me cry. If others came up to ask what was wrong, she kindly told them to leave me alone. I will always be grateful for to Sarah for that moment. For her Christlike action and love. Remember, when you see someone who needs comfort, comfort them. Don't pry and continually ask, "What's wrong?" because really, it doesn't help. Just embrace and let them cry. Let them go through the emotions. Let them feel. Be a Sarah. Remember to be Christlike. 

There is one more moment I want to share. This moment, I was alone. In my room. I had a full sized, body mirror in my room. One night, I was sitting on the floor next to this mirror. Not looking at myself for the longest time. Just sitting there in silence, thinking to myself. And then - I looked. I looked straight into the eyes of that girl in the mirror and you know what I saw? Nothing. Emptiness. No light coming from her eyes. No joy. No sadness. No pain. No humor. No soul. No fear. No love! No Life! ... Nothing. Just a numbness that seemed to always be there. 

Then, something began to emerge. A realization was forming. I didn't know that girl in the mirror. She wasn't me. That wasn't Corrinne. She was - she was a stranger. A lifeless stranger. Then, a miracle - a blessing began. A realization happened. I was lost. And fear creeped in to my heart. 

What happened to me? When did I get like this? How did I allow this to even happen. Who had I become? If I didn't recognize myself, did anyone? 

This day was a turning point for me as I began to figure out what had happened. It was soon after that I broke up with Tom and started to feel happy again. Just three days before my Graduation. 

The day after I broke up with Tom, not even 24 hours later, I had my last seminary class. Testimony meeting. I knew I had to bear my testimony. As soon as the floor was opened to us, I stood up and walked up to the front of the room. And as I bore my testimony and confirmation, as real as you and me, embraced my how body. Something I hadn't felt in a long time. I knew that I had made the right decision in letting Tom go. That it was time to move on with my life. I was so grateful for that moment. 

I'm not sure why I had to experience all of that hurt. Because I'm a broken person. But I have learned from it. I have grown from it. I have become better because of it. For that, I'm grateful. 

Now, for those of you who haven't experience something like this, may have a hard time understanding. But those of you who have, or those of you who are, right now, please, you are not alone. 

I know, that even though, I couldn't feel my Savior watching over me during this time, He never left. He was always there for me and guided me with out me knowing or understanding. I know that now. 

Please know, I do not write all of this for your pity. For sympathy or even myself. I wrote about these things and experiences because I want others to know and understand they are not alone. I get it. Your Savior understands more fully then anyone. He has felt all the pain of this world. He endured that for you. For me. He has a perfect understanding and waiting to help you. Embrace you. Lead you and lift this burden from you. Because you do not have to endure this alone. Your Lord understands. Others like me understand and those of us who have moved on, want to help you. Lift you. Embrace you. I truly desire to help others know they are not alone. That our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real. The atonement is Real. Their love is Real. And true and pure happiness is Real. 

Monday, September 19, 2016


Today, I was having a discussion with a friend who just celebrated her seventh year of marriage. We were discussing how blessed we are in our marriages. How wonderful it is that through all of our trials we have come out stronger. That marriage is hard work, but well worth it. We have a love worth fighting for and that, that is a blessing in its self. 

My friend said "it takes patience, time, hard work, empathy, sympathy and an open mind. And a lot more." She's right. Marriage is all of those characteristics and more. How can we expect to love someone for an eternity if we don't learn to understand the person we chose to love. 

“Marriage is the foundry for social order, the fountain of virtue, and the foundation for eternal exaltation. Marriage has been divinely designated as an eternal and everlasting covenant. Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.”
—Russell M. Nelson
“Nurturing Marriage,” Ensign, May 2006
A partnership with God. I love that. I can't imagine living this life with out the help and guidance from my Father in Heaven. Certainly not having a successful marriage with out His Son's, Jesus Christ's atonement. So isn't the atonement and the attributes of our Savior how we should treat our marriage? These same attributes that my friend named? Absolutely. These are characteristics of our Savior. But, if I were to this of just one word, one characteristic for us to strive towards to better ourselves, it would be Charity.
Charity. A perfect and pure love. The type of love that Christ has for each and every one of us. 
Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul (see 1 Nephi 11:23).
Charity is “the pure love of Christ,” or “everlasting love” (Moroni 7:47; 8:17). The prophet Mormon taught: “Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (Moroni 7:45; see also 1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Jesus Christ is the perfect example of charity. In His mortal ministry, He always “went about doing good,” teaching the gospel and showing tender compassion for the poor, afflicted, and distressed (see Matthew 4:23; Mark 6:6; Acts 10:38). His crowning expression of charity was His infinite Atonement. He said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). This was the greatest act of long-suffering, kindness, and selflessness that we will ever know.
The Savior wants all people to receive His love and to share it with others. He declared to His disciples: “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another” (John 13:34-35). In relationships with family members and others, followers of Christ look to the Savior as their example and strive to love as He loves, with unfailing compassion, patience, and mercy.
We can all take time and find ways to improve our own marriages. I implore you to try. Don't you give up unless it is truly the right thing to do - which is between you and Lord. 
Find ways to be a little kinder to your spouse. Show appreciation each day. Be truly interested in their day. Listen to their thoughts, dreams and fears. Really listen. Put down that phone and look at them. Share a tender moment. Hold hands. Cuddle while watching that movie. Learn a new skill together. Be supportive. Stay interested in the person you chose to love. The one that stole your heart. Show sympathy and act on empathy. Become that spouse that your spouse deserve. That your Father in Heaven knows you can be. 
Strive for that Charity.  

Friday, September 16, 2016

Universal Studios

Last week, we as a family of four went to universal studios. It was the first time all four of us went since moving here back in February. We weren't sure exactly what to expect in a crowded place with stimulating factors everywhere you turn.

We spent a short time in Harry Potter world, but didn't stay long due to the fact that the boys ended up being terrified of the dragon that breathes fire. Like, scream for their lives terrified. However sad it was to witness, I couldn't help but giggle a little. Sorry boys. 

Since that didn't work out, we spent most of our time in a kid zone area with slides and balls. Which ended up being a blast. Alister got to go on his first roller coaster. And guess what? He LOVED IT. Which as a couple who loves roller coasters ourselves, made us tremendously happy. He ended up going on it three time while we were there. Twice with his Papa and once with his Mama. Corbin was just a little too short to go. But that's ok, he still had a lot of fun watching his brother on the roller coaster.

We also took the boys on their first water slide, which they both also loved. Corbin gave out a scream of excitement the second time he went on it with Adam.

It was a lot of fun and we had a total blast. Now here's some pictures for your enjoyment. :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Fear God More then Man

There has been a bit of chatter on Facebook lately about Mormons and whether or not we should support gay-marriage. At first, I didn't want to get involved.  I thought, "People know my stance." But, maybe you don't and I'm just being ignorant. So, here it goes.

First of all, I don't write this to be confrontational. I write to be educational and share my knowledge and testimony. If you've been to church with me the last few years, you probably know that when it comes to gospel discussion, I can become very passionate. Not in a bad way, I just have a lot to say and become overwhelmed with the spirit that I can't help but raise my hand over and over and express my thoughts. The older I get, the braver I get. I think. Maybe not. I like to think I have anyway. Which is why I cannot sit idly by. My desire to prove to my Heavenly Father that I will stand for what's right is strong and I will not let the fear of man sway me otherwise.

Back on June 26 2015, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints came out with this statement.

“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints acknowledges that following today's ruling by the Supreme Court, same-sex marriages are now legal in the United States. The Court's decision does not alter the Lord's doctrine that marriage is a union between a man and a woman ordained by God. While showing respect for those who think differently, the Church will continue to teach and promote marriage between a man and a woman as a central part of our doctrine and practice.”

It has been this way since Adam and Eve. 

Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him ; male and female created he them.

Genesis 2:18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

Define help meet: “Help” is translated from a combination of two Hebrew roots, one meaning to rescue or save, and the other meaning to be strong. “Meet” is translated from a Hebrew word suggesting suitable and equal. Thus, a “help meet” is a suitable and equal companion possessing power to save. Mainly a husband or wife.

Genesis 2:21-23

21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from nam, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

God made woman out of man. Not because she is lesser in anyway. Note, that the Lord God took out a rib from Adam's side. Making him and Eve equals and companions. Adam and Eve were also married in the Garden of Eden by Heavenly Father for time and all eternity.

So, God created man in his own image. He created woman to be a companion to man. Since the beginning,  marriage between Man and Woman has been sacred and only between a man and woman.

Like the church stated, I show respect towards others whose opinions differ from my own. And I will continue to do so because we all have our freedom to choose. So I ask, isn't only fair that you let me have my own opinion and show respect towards me? Even still, these teachings come from God and our Savior, Jesus Christ. I will continue to Stand and show them that I fear them more then man. That I love them most. Much more then the views and opinions of man.

I truly believe that marriage is only suppose to be between a man and woman. That it is a sacred covenant between you, your spouse and the Savior. And I believe this will never change. The Lord God does not change for mans views. He is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

The Lord Must Love Me A Lot

"The lord must love me a lot. He must have known that as a mother I would struggle. That there would be days I feel awful. That I would be easily irritated and quick to anger. That I would raise my voice. 

And yet, he still gave me Alister and Corbin. He didn't have to. But he did. And I just want t to do a good job at raising them to become charitable men with a passion for sharing the gospel. Men who will have unwavering relationships with the God and Savior. I read the scriptures to them in hopes of this. I pray with in hopes if this. I make them sit still and be quite during sacrament in hopes of this. 

He must truly love me to give me such special boys knowing I would stumble and fall. 

I love them so much. I just want them to know that so bad."

This was text message I sent my husband while he was at work and I, obviously, had a rough night. I felt miserable, like I had failed at motherhood. Like my boys deserved better. Like I couldn't be forgiven. I let those feelings flood over me for a while. Then, then I found the strength to kneel down. And I wept. 

I pleaded with my Father in Heaven. I told him what I had done. And I plead for forgiveness. 

I then realized that I think, He already had. 

I did get upset with the boys before bed. But felt terrible and apologized to both before I left their room for the night. Then, Corbin cried out and I asked what was wrong. He cried " Read Jesus book". A.k.a The Book of Mormon. To hear him utter those words after a hard night broke all my walls and I immediately turned on the lamp, sat on his bed and began to read. I think it was then as I read and cried that my Savior already saw my sorrow and efforts to make amends. 

We all have bad days. Ones where we fit to be someone spouse, parents or even a child of God. We all have days when we let fear cloud our judgement and the thoughts of Lucifer enter our mind. And you know, that's alright. We are mortal human beings. We make mistakes and get distracted from the world. But never lose hope. Find the strength to kneel. Converse with your Father in Heaven. Tell him your thoughts, worries and accomplishments. Ask for help but make sure you pull your weight. The Lord will forgive you. The power of the Atonment his as real as you and me. So use it. It is there for you and me. 

I know my Savior loves me. And all of you. 

Monday, August 8, 2016


Seven years. Four states. Eight cities. Three dogs. One cat. Two mice. One hedgehog. Four gold fish. Fourteen jobs (between us). Two beautiful boys. Endless dreams. And one marriage. 

Our marriage has been full of happiness, laughter, support, growth and learning. With some heartache. But the trumps the bad. Which is just how it should be. 

Eight years ago we were an eighteen and twenty-two year who met on LDS Temple grounds. Adam was a newly returned missionary. I was a broken eighteen year old who had recently experience serve depression, anxiety, panic and self confidence tear down from a boy who mentally and emotionally abused the light out of me. Needless to say no matter how much I wanted to experience what it truly meant to be accepted and loved by another man I felt unworthy. 

Then I met Adam. This tall, blonde man caught my eye right from the start. And well, the rest is history. 

The point is, Adam is the person who truly cares to patch me up. To pick me up. To watch me succeed. To believe in me. And see my true potential as person, woman, leader, wife and mother. 

Adam is original. Smart. Curious. Funny. Resourceful. Innovative. Courageous. Spiritual. Witty. Loving. And humble. H

Adam, you are my life, light, home, companion, rock, example and best friend. The things a husband should be and more. You make my life brighter and more joyful. You make me happier when I am down. You always know what to say or have me do when I truly need it most. You are the Angel the Lord sent me because he can not be here physically with me. So he sent the next best person you he could think of for me. He sent you. I love you so much more then even I understand. And more time will only make that stronger. 

Happy Seventh Anniversary my love. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Pray. Just Do It.

So sometimes, like today, I pray when I'm feeling really down. I'm never quite sure what I'm going to say or if I will seek help. But, I just kneel down and pray. And sometimes, I don't feel much better if at all when I'm done. Like today. It was a sorrowful prayer full of pain. And at the end, I just felt drained. Exhausted and ready for sleep. But, I got up, and came out of my room. And I decided to put on some makeup in hopes to feel better and motivate myself from crying more. And that was probably about an hour ago. And you know what? I'm starting to feel better? But why? Well, here's my thought.

I truly believe that our Savior knows us best. Better then we know ourselves. So, I believe, that my Heavenly Father was truly listening to me as I poured out my heart to him with a heavy heart. I did not receive a warm embrace of comfort. I did not receive a random phone call from a friend or anything of that sort. But I believe my that my Lord knows me and guides me. He knows that doing makeup is not just a thing for me to do, to make myself look pretty, but that its therapeutic for me. It's a creative outlet. And guiding me to do this one simple thing, helped me feel better.

Now, you may be thinking, no. He did not lead you to put on makeup. That's something thats just in your routine. Well, no, it's not. I don't wear makeup everyday. And I was intentionally going to skip on it today. But, then "randomly" decided otherwise. Doing that simple task allowed me to not only feel better, but to realize that yes, my Savior was listening. He does care. He does love me. He does know me. And that's enough to keep me going for another day.

So, even when you don't know what to say in a prayer or maybe you don't even feel like praying. Just do it. Kneel down, humble yourself, and pray. And then pay attention to how your Heavenly Father will help you to feel better that day.

Pray. Just do it.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Finding Jesus Christ

We spent the evening at my mother and father in laws home, where we consumed delicious Dutch oven food and had family home evening. In their home they have a picture of Jesus in their dining room along with two statues and one statue in the living room. Now, the one in the living room was in the dining room and our boys noticed that he was now missing. 

They proceeded to ask where he had gone and we went and found him the living room where they were very excited to find Jesus. Grandma then told them there were three more in the dining room and asked if they could find all three. They went searching and found the two statutes but needed help from grandpa to find the third. 

What a joy it was to watch my boys with their grandparents quietly looking at a picture of our Savior, Jesus Christ. 

What a wonderful and gentle reminder of what is truly important in this life. That is finding Christ and developing a relationship with him. One that is strong enough that we are continually striving to be more like our Savoir. Our brother. Our friend. And I don't think anything could make me happier then to know that my boys express an interest and love for Jesus at such a tough and innocent age. 

I pray that their relationship with their Savior will only continue to grow. That they will hold that love close to their hearts. May we all learn from that pure love that children naturally hold and learn that we can once again be as little children. 

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Future Plans

The future. You never know what it's going to hold. What the Lord has in store for us. It's good to make plans. But it's also good to keep an open mind. Be adaptable, in case the Lord takes you a different direction.

With that being said. Let me tell you something exciting. 

No. I'm not pregnant. And no, we are not moving back to Utah. 

However, Adam has told me he wants to get a degree in hospitality. What? I know. He'd be perfect for it. He's a great people person and everyone loves him. At first when he told me about it, he talked about working on cruise ships. Ooooooo. Aaaahhhhhhhh. I know. I know. Seems awesome. And maybe it would be. For at least a time. But then, he told me something the other day.

He was talking to a co-worker who is about to graduate with a hospitality degree and asked what he's going to do with it. Co-worker was like, "I don't know. Probably find a nice hotel in a climate I like." Adam then proceeded with, "Shut up! Shut up! I know what I'm going to do!" 

He then told me that we've been thinking too small with cruise ships... Really? What's bigger then a cruise ship? And then he said the most beautiful words.

"A lodge, in Island Park." 

WHAT?! WHAT?! Hold on! A logde?! 

Ok. If you know us well enough, we love mountains, tall trees, hiking, camping, rivers and streams. Not to mention seasons (sorry Florida, but you don't really have any of that). We like cooler climates. No, we love them. 

Also, we honeymooned in Island Park. We lived in Idaho for a year and lioved it. It's perfect. And who knows, maybe we won't be Island Park in particular. Maybe somewhere in Montana or Washington. Who know! 

Point is, this is a plan. Something we are truly excited about and can see happening in our future. 

I love It. 

Friday, June 24, 2016

Depression: Let's Talk About It

I believe, without knowing it for many years, that depression has been with me since I was a small child. For as long as I can remember. For me, it is not just one phase of life, or an outcome from a terrible event. It is part of life. My life. 

With that being said, depression is not who I am. It is not how I am identified. It is a trial. My trial. And even though it's hard, I believe I was given this trial because I am strong enough to battle it. Now, honestly, when I'm really down, I don't believe those words. I don't believe I'm strong. But today, I do. I believe it. And I will work to keep that belief. So on days that are really hard, I can tell myself I'm strong. Or Adam can tell me. And I'll actually believe it. Remember it. Strive for it. 

Depression is a weakness in my life. But I'm working to make it a strength. Because I believe that if I work hard enough to win more battles, my Savior will fill in the gaps when I'm lacking to turn this weakness into a strength. We were taught by Ether in chapter 12: 

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I think a big humility building experience for me is just this. Sharing with all of you this secret, dark spot in me. Instead of fooling myself any longer that I can continue to hide it. That I should hide it. That no one wants or needs to know this part of me. And maybe, that's true. But, I don't care. 

I want to heal. I want to win more battles in this war I'm in against evil. I want to be made strong. I want to know, even just a fraction, what it's like to feel whole. 

Now, quite frankly, I'm not quite sure when it dawned on me that I have depression. But that's ok. I don't need to know. I know now. That's the important part. But, even when I figured it out, it took me years to accept it. And even longer, to humble myself enough to see a counselor regularly. Which wasn't until December... Of last year. That's right. That recent. I saw him once a week for a couple of months before moving to Florida. And it was awesome. 

I grew. I learned. And realized that things from my past still effect me like they happened last week. When I started in December, just before Christmas, I was rated for severe depression. A part of me wasn't surprised. I knew I was in a bad place mentally. Going once a week truly helped. At first, it felt like once a week wasn't enough. I needed more. But I stuck with one and eventually it got better. Truly a miracle. 

Now, some of you may be wondering, if I'm on medication. The answer? No. No I am not. I choose not be. If I truly don't have to be, I don't want to be. Instead, I opt for yoga, running and the gospel. I throw in a bit of dance here and there, too. When done right, these things truly do make me feel better. It's hard work, and sometimes I just don't want to do them. And sometimes, I don't. But then I regret it. Sometimes, I find the strength to force myself and am grateful I did. But, for me, these things work. They may not for you. That's ok. Find something that does. And when you find your niche. Stick with it.

I have depression. But I'm not going to let depression have me.  

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

My Confession

Depression. Anxiety. I've got it. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. It's part of who I am. There's a lot to say and stories I could tell. And I will one day. But one step at a time.

I have debated on posted this for a long time. Maybe a year or longer. But just thinking about being open and public about it gave me anxiety. Go figure. But yesterday I watched a video where Elder Holland talks about depression. And it really touched me. And I thought, "I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of suffering silently. I'm just... Tired." Depending on the severity of my depression phase, it is literally physically draining. I have finally reached the point where I am just plain tired of the stigma society has placed on me. I'll talk more about that in another blog post. 

Right now, I just need to be open and honest with everyone who knows me. It is important, I believe, for me to heal. For me to truly humble myself. For humility is key in letting The Savior heal your soul. And boy, do I need healing. So yes, expect me to talk more about this subject. And hopefully, through sharing this part of me, you will see change in me. A change of healing of heart and soul. 

Depression. Anxiety. Yeah. I've got those. I've got those bad. But you know what? That's ok. 

I'm ok. 

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Faith in Myself, because it's Needed

Having faith in my Lord and Father in Heaven are much easier then having faith in myself.  As it is for many people I'm sure. Tonight was a struggle, as I sat at the couch trying to think of what to teach and say to the young women that I will be teaching tomorrow. *I was recently called as the Second Counselor in Young Women's* The emotions of not seeming fit for such a leadership position began to take over and consume my thoughts. How could I teach these girls to be wondrous and strong daughters of God when I struggle myself in so many ways.

This resulted in me asking my dear husband for a blessing. A blessing where the Lord let me know that not only did I need to have faith in Him, but I needed to display faith in myself. What? You mean, I have to think of myself as a leader? A teacher? An example? Oh boy. That's one of the hardest things I think I've ever been told in a blessing. Nonetheless, 'I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded me'. But, he's right. How can I teach these spiritual teachings without faith in myself that I can? Answer. I simply cannot. I must look inside myself and find the qualities that the Lord sees in me. To seek my divine nature. My integrity. My faith. For I believe, that if I do these things and more, I will see miracles and many blessings in my calling. And for that, I am grateful. I hope that I can one day write again and say with all honesty that I have found Faith in Myself.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Ode to the Fort

Well, it hasn't been a week since we left and emotions are high. To be expected when you uproot your family to another state and to circumstances less then happy. However, it is a blessing to be here with family. 

The day we left Fort Wayne (February 24th), it was cold and freezing rain. As we finished packing the truck and taking one last look in our home, I couldn't help but linger just a few seconds longer gazing into the living room and how sad the blue walls looked now that they were emptied. After getting the boys in the car and trying to keep warm, Adam started the car and bowed our heads in a prayer. We prayed for safety and we prayed in gratitude. Gratitude for the time we got to spend in Fort Wayne, Indiana. For the memories we cherish and the friends we made. A few tears were shed during those beautiful words to our Lord. A few more as we drove away from home. (And a few more now, as I sit here and reflect on this conflicting experience). Fort Wayne was where Corbin was born. That house is where he learned to crawl, walk and talk. It's where Alister became a big brother. It's where my husband finally had a job that he absolutely loved. And one where he had a bigger influence then either of us really understood until we left. 

I remember when Adam and I first arrived in Fort Wayne for his interview at SweetWater. As we drove from the airport into town on that very stormy and cold spring April day, I cried. Yep. I totally cried. Overwhelmed with a sense of joy and sensation as if... I'd come home. Home. 

Anyone one who knows me well, will most likely know that I love Idaho. I mean, I LOVE Idaho. It was the first move Adam and I made together as husband and wife and it was the first place I lived that I absolutely just fell in love with. I can't explain it. But I will always love Idaho. Now, you're probably thinking this is totally random. However, I want you to understand, that while I love Idaho the Midwest is my home. I believe it. And while I may never live at home again, I believe I can fall in love with other places. I hope I can fall in love with Florida in some way. 

The wonderful thing is that our boys love it here. They can go outside more, we can walk to grandma and grandpa's. It's awesome and they seem to be having the time of their life. 

While this new adventure took a lot of mental preparation to accept then any other move, I sure wouldn't want to do it with anyone else then Adam and my boys. This would be so much harder without them. But it certainly more rich and rewarding with them. 

Now, don't get me wrong. So far, we are really liking Florida. With scenery, the people, the weather and the vibe. It's pretty awesome. 

Take luck my friends. Take luck. 

Monday, February 15, 2016

Corbin: Two Years

I know this late. But he's still two so it counts! 
Corbin turned two years old January 8th and it's just hard to believe. I remember driving to the hospital to deliver him. I remember looking at Adam and him telling me I'm doing great while I was painfully pushing. I remember holding my little boy for the first time and looking at his little swollen face. I knew then that are lives were being blessed and would be even fuller with joy and laughter. 

And now, he's a walking and talking toddler with a big personality. He's opinionated, loves to give me lots of hugs and do things that little boys love to do. 

He's still a little light weight for his age and shorter then most. But we love him that way. He lives up to the long time myth of red heads having a fiery and passionate personality. He adores his dad and loves to play with Alister. He loves to help me unload the dishes and know his alphabet. He's a smart little cookie who's always surprising us. We love watching his personality come out and shine more and more. He's our little blue-eyed, Irish boy and we love him with our hearts.