"The lord must love me a lot. He must have known that as a mother I would struggle. That there would be days I feel awful. That I would be easily irritated and quick to anger. That I would raise my voice.
And yet, he still gave me Alister and Corbin. He didn't have to. But he did. And I just want t to do a good job at raising them to become charitable men with a passion for sharing the gospel. Men who will have unwavering relationships with the God and Savior. I read the scriptures to them in hopes of this. I pray with in hopes if this. I make them sit still and be quite during sacrament in hopes of this.
He must truly love me to give me such special boys knowing I would stumble and fall.
I love them so much. I just want them to know that so bad."
This was text message I sent my husband while he was at work and I, obviously, had a rough night. I felt miserable, like I had failed at motherhood. Like my boys deserved better. Like I couldn't be forgiven. I let those feelings flood over me for a while. Then, then I found the strength to kneel down. And I wept.
I pleaded with my Father in Heaven. I told him what I had done. And I plead for forgiveness.
I then realized that I think, He already had.
I did get upset with the boys before bed. But felt terrible and apologized to both before I left their room for the night. Then, Corbin cried out and I asked what was wrong. He cried " Read Jesus book". A.k.a The Book of Mormon. To hear him utter those words after a hard night broke all my walls and I immediately turned on the lamp, sat on his bed and began to read. I think it was then as I read and cried that my Savior already saw my sorrow and efforts to make amends.
We all have bad days. Ones where we fit to be someone spouse, parents or even a child of God. We all have days when we let fear cloud our judgement and the thoughts of Lucifer enter our mind. And you know, that's alright. We are mortal human beings. We make mistakes and get distracted from the world. But never lose hope. Find the strength to kneel. Converse with your Father in Heaven. Tell him your thoughts, worries and accomplishments. Ask for help but make sure you pull your weight. The Lord will forgive you. The power of the Atonment his as real as you and me. So use it. It is there for you and me.
I know my Savior loves me. And all of you.