established 10 august 2009

Friday, September 30, 2016

It Doesn't Have To Be That Bad

As the winds blew, the currents began to push us up stream along the Snake River in Island Park, Idaho in our long red canoe. It was my first my time canoeing and my new husband wanted it to be perfect - but can anything be truly perfect? As I listened to his complaints of frustration, I calmly turned to him and said “It doesn’t have to be that bad.” Little did I know, that those seven, simple words spoken on our honeymoon would impact him through out our marriage. 

Now, I'm not saying I'm wise or anything, but I mean, isn't this so true? It is up to us to change the mood of any situation. We can choose to be positive or negative. To be offended or not. I know, I know. This is much easier said then done. But, is that not why we have scriptures and prayer? To help strengthen us in times of need when we need that extra boost of light to get us through the day or week or how ever long we need. I should hope we feel that we need the Saviors guidance everyday - but somedays we need extra help. To make us realize, we don't have to do it alone.

The Savior died for us to fulfill the atonement. This is something He had to do alone. Only He could fulfill this everlasting task of Grace and Charity. Which leads me to this - we do not have to face anything alone. Christ has Never asked us to walk alone and He never will. He asks us to seek for His light and guiding hand. I know that I forget at times to ask for help. And let me tell you something - those times are ridiculously hard and lonely. I feel weighed down and at times I feel like I'm drowning. When I feel this way, I know that this is was the Savior is doing for me. 

I am certain there are times the Lord wants to tell us that it doesn't have to be that bad - just ask, I will give it to you, I will help you, I will take your hand and hold you up. You need not ever be alone.

I have tried to imagine my Savior in this more personal way lately. I am certain that I can guarantee you that if you do this, you will see and come to know Christ in a new way. One where He did not die for everyone (while that's true) but where He died for You. Christ loves each of so much, that I truly believe that He would have died for just me if I was the only soul needing saving. Just like I know He died for me, I know He died for You. Do you? Do you believe this with all the faith in your heart, mind and soul? If you're unsure, even just slightly, then I implore you, seek Him out even more. Begin to think of Him in a more personal way. When you kneel to pray, tell Him Everything. I mean, Everything. All your thoughts, desires, worries and concerns. Your accomplishments and failures. Joys and heartache. Oh how wonderful it is to know that He is listening. You may feel silly at first, speaking this way in prayer at first. But don't give up. Don't quit. Keep kneeling down. Keep talking. You will get there. And one day, you'll realize that your relationship with Christ has grown immensely. 

I love my Savior and God. I know they love me. I know they love you. So, when life gets hard - when the winds are pushing you up stream, just remember, "It doesn't have to be that bad."

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Let's Talk: Emotional & Mental Abuse

As a senior in high school, I was in a relationship with a boy, we'll call him Tom, who was extremely abusive. Emotionally and mentally. 

I was in this relationship for a year - like many, it took me a long time to realize what was going on.

My senior year, should have been a blast, I had three dance classes, great friends and was finally on dance company - and I became the technical coordinator for the dance company. Plus, I loved seminary. So, you know, it should have rocked.

But, being in a relationship where your partner toys with your mind and emotions is terribly draining. Some days were great and he made me feel so loved - others he made me feel like I was the worst girlfriend ever undeserving of anyone else's love but his own. And I believed him. Truly, with all my being, I believed that no one could love me better. It's sad, pathetic even, but true.

Through this year, I became severely depressed. Unknowingly. I became closed off and distant from everyone I loved and cared about - family and friends. My hobbies became uninteresting and less desirable to persue. I lost important friendships. I lost respect. I felt utterly alone. While all of this hurt and I was even blinded in the moment, the thing I lost that was most important was myself. 

Tom was not only abusive but possessive as well. He didn't like me wearing makeup or wearing my hair nicely when I wasn't with him. He didn't want me cutting my hair because girls should have long hair. He didn't want me going to my senior dances (he lived in the Salt Lake Valley and I lived in the St. George Valley). Tom was also paranoid. If I didn't answer my phone right away, text or phone call, he assumed the worst of me. That I had to be cheating on him. Especially with his friend who I sat next to in history class because I was the only person he knew at school because he was a new student there my senior year. So, basically I couldn't have friends. Thus, losing my friends. 

Through out this year I had a few experiences that I have really stuck with me and I will probably never forget. Those who know me well, know that I danced through out high school. I'm not talking drill team. I mean, classical ballet, modern and some jazz and tap. And i remember, being in dance class one day and seeing myself in the mirror. I saw something I had never seen before. My hip and rib bones had become quite predominant. They stuck out while I was just standing there, doing nothing. I remember the shock I felt. The embarrassment. The overwhelming emotion of not understanding why. Why? Why was I so skinny? How could this be? How did I not notice until now? Depression my friends. Depression is a blinding and cruel companion when allowed to take over and have the upper hand. 

There was another point, close to the end of the school year, my senior year, during a dance concert rehearsal, where I broke down. I had been texting, Tom. Short version, he told me I was a slut for dancing and he wouldn't be coming to the concert because he wouldn't support me for being so immodest. I was standing back stage on the verge of tears when another girl (we'll call her, Sarah) on company asked me if I was alright. I looked up at her and just broke. Tears flowed down my face and I felt myself falling apart. Sarah didn't pry. She didn't tell me to stop crying. She didn't make a big scene. She saw me crying and embraced me. Sarah, with out any hesitation had wrapped me in her arms and just let me cry. If others came up to ask what was wrong, she kindly told them to leave me alone. I will always be grateful for to Sarah for that moment. For her Christlike action and love. Remember, when you see someone who needs comfort, comfort them. Don't pry and continually ask, "What's wrong?" because really, it doesn't help. Just embrace and let them cry. Let them go through the emotions. Let them feel. Be a Sarah. Remember to be Christlike. 

There is one more moment I want to share. This moment, I was alone. In my room. I had a full sized, body mirror in my room. One night, I was sitting on the floor next to this mirror. Not looking at myself for the longest time. Just sitting there in silence, thinking to myself. And then - I looked. I looked straight into the eyes of that girl in the mirror and you know what I saw? Nothing. Emptiness. No light coming from her eyes. No joy. No sadness. No pain. No humor. No soul. No fear. No love! No Life! ... Nothing. Just a numbness that seemed to always be there. 

Then, something began to emerge. A realization was forming. I didn't know that girl in the mirror. She wasn't me. That wasn't Corrinne. She was - she was a stranger. A lifeless stranger. Then, a miracle - a blessing began. A realization happened. I was lost. And fear creeped in to my heart. 

What happened to me? When did I get like this? How did I allow this to even happen. Who had I become? If I didn't recognize myself, did anyone? 

This day was a turning point for me as I began to figure out what had happened. It was soon after that I broke up with Tom and started to feel happy again. Just three days before my Graduation. 

The day after I broke up with Tom, not even 24 hours later, I had my last seminary class. Testimony meeting. I knew I had to bear my testimony. As soon as the floor was opened to us, I stood up and walked up to the front of the room. And as I bore my testimony and confirmation, as real as you and me, embraced my how body. Something I hadn't felt in a long time. I knew that I had made the right decision in letting Tom go. That it was time to move on with my life. I was so grateful for that moment. 

I'm not sure why I had to experience all of that hurt. Because I'm a broken person. But I have learned from it. I have grown from it. I have become better because of it. For that, I'm grateful. 

Now, for those of you who haven't experience something like this, may have a hard time understanding. But those of you who have, or those of you who are, right now, please, you are not alone. 

I know, that even though, I couldn't feel my Savior watching over me during this time, He never left. He was always there for me and guided me with out me knowing or understanding. I know that now. 

Please know, I do not write all of this for your pity. For sympathy or even myself. I wrote about these things and experiences because I want others to know and understand they are not alone. I get it. Your Savior understands more fully then anyone. He has felt all the pain of this world. He endured that for you. For me. He has a perfect understanding and waiting to help you. Embrace you. Lead you and lift this burden from you. Because you do not have to endure this alone. Your Lord understands. Others like me understand and those of us who have moved on, want to help you. Lift you. Embrace you. I truly desire to help others know they are not alone. That our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real. The atonement is Real. Their love is Real. And true and pure happiness is Real. 

Monday, September 19, 2016


Today, I was having a discussion with a friend who just celebrated her seventh year of marriage. We were discussing how blessed we are in our marriages. How wonderful it is that through all of our trials we have come out stronger. That marriage is hard work, but well worth it. We have a love worth fighting for and that, that is a blessing in its self. 

My friend said "it takes patience, time, hard work, empathy, sympathy and an open mind. And a lot more." She's right. Marriage is all of those characteristics and more. How can we expect to love someone for an eternity if we don't learn to understand the person we chose to love. 

“Marriage is the foundry for social order, the fountain of virtue, and the foundation for eternal exaltation. Marriage has been divinely designated as an eternal and everlasting covenant. Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.”
—Russell M. Nelson
“Nurturing Marriage,” Ensign, May 2006
A partnership with God. I love that. I can't imagine living this life with out the help and guidance from my Father in Heaven. Certainly not having a successful marriage with out His Son's, Jesus Christ's atonement. So isn't the atonement and the attributes of our Savior how we should treat our marriage? These same attributes that my friend named? Absolutely. These are characteristics of our Savior. But, if I were to this of just one word, one characteristic for us to strive towards to better ourselves, it would be Charity.
Charity. A perfect and pure love. The type of love that Christ has for each and every one of us. 
Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul (see 1 Nephi 11:23).
Charity is “the pure love of Christ,” or “everlasting love” (Moroni 7:47; 8:17). The prophet Mormon taught: “Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (Moroni 7:45; see also 1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Jesus Christ is the perfect example of charity. In His mortal ministry, He always “went about doing good,” teaching the gospel and showing tender compassion for the poor, afflicted, and distressed (see Matthew 4:23; Mark 6:6; Acts 10:38). His crowning expression of charity was His infinite Atonement. He said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). This was the greatest act of long-suffering, kindness, and selflessness that we will ever know.
The Savior wants all people to receive His love and to share it with others. He declared to His disciples: “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another” (John 13:34-35). In relationships with family members and others, followers of Christ look to the Savior as their example and strive to love as He loves, with unfailing compassion, patience, and mercy.
We can all take time and find ways to improve our own marriages. I implore you to try. Don't you give up unless it is truly the right thing to do - which is between you and Lord. 
Find ways to be a little kinder to your spouse. Show appreciation each day. Be truly interested in their day. Listen to their thoughts, dreams and fears. Really listen. Put down that phone and look at them. Share a tender moment. Hold hands. Cuddle while watching that movie. Learn a new skill together. Be supportive. Stay interested in the person you chose to love. The one that stole your heart. Show sympathy and act on empathy. Become that spouse that your spouse deserve. That your Father in Heaven knows you can be. 
Strive for that Charity.  

Friday, September 16, 2016

Universal Studios

Last week, we as a family of four went to universal studios. It was the first time all four of us went since moving here back in February. We weren't sure exactly what to expect in a crowded place with stimulating factors everywhere you turn.

We spent a short time in Harry Potter world, but didn't stay long due to the fact that the boys ended up being terrified of the dragon that breathes fire. Like, scream for their lives terrified. However sad it was to witness, I couldn't help but giggle a little. Sorry boys. 

Since that didn't work out, we spent most of our time in a kid zone area with slides and balls. Which ended up being a blast. Alister got to go on his first roller coaster. And guess what? He LOVED IT. Which as a couple who loves roller coasters ourselves, made us tremendously happy. He ended up going on it three time while we were there. Twice with his Papa and once with his Mama. Corbin was just a little too short to go. But that's ok, he still had a lot of fun watching his brother on the roller coaster.

We also took the boys on their first water slide, which they both also loved. Corbin gave out a scream of excitement the second time he went on it with Adam.

It was a lot of fun and we had a total blast. Now here's some pictures for your enjoyment. :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Fear God More then Man

There has been a bit of chatter on Facebook lately about Mormons and whether or not we should support gay-marriage. At first, I didn't want to get involved.  I thought, "People know my stance." But, maybe you don't and I'm just being ignorant. So, here it goes.

First of all, I don't write this to be confrontational. I write to be educational and share my knowledge and testimony. If you've been to church with me the last few years, you probably know that when it comes to gospel discussion, I can become very passionate. Not in a bad way, I just have a lot to say and become overwhelmed with the spirit that I can't help but raise my hand over and over and express my thoughts. The older I get, the braver I get. I think. Maybe not. I like to think I have anyway. Which is why I cannot sit idly by. My desire to prove to my Heavenly Father that I will stand for what's right is strong and I will not let the fear of man sway me otherwise.

Back on June 26 2015, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints came out with this statement.

“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints acknowledges that following today's ruling by the Supreme Court, same-sex marriages are now legal in the United States. The Court's decision does not alter the Lord's doctrine that marriage is a union between a man and a woman ordained by God. While showing respect for those who think differently, the Church will continue to teach and promote marriage between a man and a woman as a central part of our doctrine and practice.”

It has been this way since Adam and Eve. 

Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him ; male and female created he them.

Genesis 2:18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

Define help meet: “Help” is translated from a combination of two Hebrew roots, one meaning to rescue or save, and the other meaning to be strong. “Meet” is translated from a Hebrew word suggesting suitable and equal. Thus, a “help meet” is a suitable and equal companion possessing power to save. Mainly a husband or wife.

Genesis 2:21-23

21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from nam, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

God made woman out of man. Not because she is lesser in anyway. Note, that the Lord God took out a rib from Adam's side. Making him and Eve equals and companions. Adam and Eve were also married in the Garden of Eden by Heavenly Father for time and all eternity.

So, God created man in his own image. He created woman to be a companion to man. Since the beginning,  marriage between Man and Woman has been sacred and only between a man and woman.

Like the church stated, I show respect towards others whose opinions differ from my own. And I will continue to do so because we all have our freedom to choose. So I ask, isn't only fair that you let me have my own opinion and show respect towards me? Even still, these teachings come from God and our Savior, Jesus Christ. I will continue to Stand and show them that I fear them more then man. That I love them most. Much more then the views and opinions of man.

I truly believe that marriage is only suppose to be between a man and woman. That it is a sacred covenant between you, your spouse and the Savior. And I believe this will never change. The Lord God does not change for mans views. He is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

The Lord Must Love Me A Lot

"The lord must love me a lot. He must have known that as a mother I would struggle. That there would be days I feel awful. That I would be easily irritated and quick to anger. That I would raise my voice. 

And yet, he still gave me Alister and Corbin. He didn't have to. But he did. And I just want t to do a good job at raising them to become charitable men with a passion for sharing the gospel. Men who will have unwavering relationships with the God and Savior. I read the scriptures to them in hopes of this. I pray with in hopes if this. I make them sit still and be quite during sacrament in hopes of this. 

He must truly love me to give me such special boys knowing I would stumble and fall. 

I love them so much. I just want them to know that so bad."

This was text message I sent my husband while he was at work and I, obviously, had a rough night. I felt miserable, like I had failed at motherhood. Like my boys deserved better. Like I couldn't be forgiven. I let those feelings flood over me for a while. Then, then I found the strength to kneel down. And I wept. 

I pleaded with my Father in Heaven. I told him what I had done. And I plead for forgiveness. 

I then realized that I think, He already had. 

I did get upset with the boys before bed. But felt terrible and apologized to both before I left their room for the night. Then, Corbin cried out and I asked what was wrong. He cried " Read Jesus book". A.k.a The Book of Mormon. To hear him utter those words after a hard night broke all my walls and I immediately turned on the lamp, sat on his bed and began to read. I think it was then as I read and cried that my Savior already saw my sorrow and efforts to make amends. 

We all have bad days. Ones where we fit to be someone spouse, parents or even a child of God. We all have days when we let fear cloud our judgement and the thoughts of Lucifer enter our mind. And you know, that's alright. We are mortal human beings. We make mistakes and get distracted from the world. But never lose hope. Find the strength to kneel. Converse with your Father in Heaven. Tell him your thoughts, worries and accomplishments. Ask for help but make sure you pull your weight. The Lord will forgive you. The power of the Atonment his as real as you and me. So use it. It is there for you and me. 

I know my Savior loves me. And all of you.