Sunday, December 30, 2018

CREATE: My view on New Years Resolutions

A new year. New goals. New you. Right? At least, that's what we all hope. This year is MY year. That's what we tell ourselves. And for some, yes, those words come true. But, for many, we fall short of our goals, or we fall back into old habits we may have been trying to break. And then what? We have to feel bad about ourselves, give up and maybe admit that we are incapable of change. Right? Absolutely, not.

I know the new year is a great time for reflection. Self evaluation. However, that doesn't mean we can't do that any time. In fact, I believe these are important exercises to practice through out the whole year. Why not each month? Each week? Each day, even! If we are only evaluating once a year, we will not make it far and we are stunting progression. We as human beings need to be less harsh on our selves.

Many of us understand that people are not perfect. That people make mistakes and need time to grow, develop and change. However, we are so quick to judge ourselves and punish ourselves into thinking that we are incapable of change ourselves. That we will not succeed. That we are stupid and not valuable to this world. Why? Why do we do that? We are capable to forgive others but incapable of forgiving ourselves.

I myself struggle with these negative thoughts and skewed visions of myself. Much of the time, I am unable to see the fascinating qualities that others see in me. I can see good in others, but sometimes, admittedly, I cannot see good in myself. It is a tough trial for me. But, something I continue to work on.

My cousin posted that her word for 2019 is CREATE. I love that. I think we all could create more in the new year. Create positivity. Create love. Create forgiveness. Create joy. Create light. Create peace. Create fun. Create newness. Create change. Create motivation. Create you. As you can see, I am into the Create word. I think I will adopt it into my own life. I want to create more. More everything, that is good.

“...meaningful morning prayer is an important element in the spiritual creation of each day--and precedes the temporal creation or the actual execution of the day. Just as the temporal creation was linked to and a continuation of the spiritual creation, so meaningful morning and evening prayers are linked to and are a continuation of each other.”

- Elder Bednar, General Conference 2008, Pray Always





Monday, October 15, 2018

Social Media Fast & What I Learned

So I've been on a social media fast for... I don't know, 17 days are so. It's not the first one I've done either. But this time around, since I went even longer, I feel I really learned more from this experience.

At first, I just really wanted to break the addiction, ya know. The "need" to check it 2 dozen times a day. Mindlessly scrolling with out purpose. Well, that has definitely happened, and I'm so pleased. I feel much more free and I don't just sit there wasting time on social media doing nothing important. However, with out trying, it evolved into so much more. I've learned to not care. Yes. Not care what others think and not care about unimportant pages I once deemed important to myself worth and happiness. Let me expound.

I use to follow a lot beauty and makeup pages. I spent a lot of time looking and "researching" different makeup brands trying to decide what I might like to try. Becoming obsessed, really. This obsession led to stress, anxiety and short tempers when my boys would keep interrupting my "research".  It was a huge time waster and made me disconnect from my reality and check out from that moment. Then, one day, I decided that was enough. I hated that this thing I claimed to love and I thought brought me happiness was actually making me distant from my family. So, I unfollowed all beauty and makeup pages on social media. Including Facebook, Instagram and YouTube. I got rid of these time wasters. These anxiety builders. The result? Priceless. I no longer worry and fret over these meaningless and unnecessary things. These worldly things that really don't add value to my life. Not only do they not add value but they take away from the true value of my life. And that is not worth it. So what am I doing with makeup now?



Makeup Obsessed




Priorities Straight 





I'm finishing up what I own right now. I'm not buying anything new that doesn't need replacing. Then, once I start finishing products up, I'll determine if I even want to purchase something new or if I want to go a different direction with my makeup look. But, back to the important part of this post.

I've learned that anything can become an obsession. And not in a good way. Think about it. Think really hard about your own life. Are there things in your own life that you put a lot of time and energy and maybe money into that really doesn't hold important value? That is actually causing you unnecessary stress or anxiety? Is making you short tempered with others? Does it make you disconnect from those around you and make you miss living in the moment? I'm serious. Really think about it. Ponder it. Pay attention. Pray about it. And if there is, then ditch it. Make drastic changes. I promise, that it will make a difference. It may be hard at first but it is worth it.

I also talked about how I have learned to not worry about what others think so much on social media. I don't worry about posting certain things anymore because who really cares? I want to only post about what really matters to me. That would be my family and the gospel. My testimony in Jesus Christ and His gospel. These are the truly important things that bring true value to my life. Not knowing what others are up to and what they picture perfect life looks like. Because that's the thing about social media. You get to pick and choose what people know and what they don't know. You can edit your life to make it seem like you have life figured out and have no real problems. How exhausting.

So yes. Getting off of social media for a time has really helped me refocus on what is truly valuable in my life. What I really want and need to put my focus towards. And it's not makeup. It's my family. My relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Learning all I can about this life. Teaching my boys to be amazing men. Working on talents and developing new skills. Becoming the best version of me. Being a Daughter of Heavenly Father. Being His disciple. Sharing these truths with everyone I know.

Again, please, take the time to re-evaluate your own life. Determine what is truly important and what really brings value to your life. Be mindful of it all. Make changes that need to be made. Concentrate on what matters. Re-devote yourself to your loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

Saturday, September 29, 2018

Letting Others Know

Letting others know about your problems can be a real challenge for some. Especially if you tend to be a private person. Believe me, I get it. It took me a long time to open up about certain things. Experiences that were hurtful and shaped me into a broken person. It took me a very long time to accept that emotionally, I needed help. Some repairing needed to be done. Then, it took longer to finally set aside my pride and start seeing a counselor. After that, the most amazing thing began to happen. I started to heal.

That's right! HEAL. Yes, it was very small pieces at a time - and don't get me wrong, it really hurt sometimes. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I began to understand myself a bit more. I learned why I did certain things that seemed strange. Why I thought certain things.  Why it was so hard for me to just let go, be happy, fully trust myself and anyone else. It is a process that is for sure. Plus, I don't think I'm done. But that's ok. I accept that about myself.

After seeing my first counselor, I began writing blogs about my experiences. About my emotional and mentally abusive relationship from high school. About some of my experiences with depression and anxiety. I began to open up even more and letting people know that we all have our own set of problems. No one is perfect. There is no shame in that!

Now that we are on that topic, I have something thing to say.

No one is perfect. Absolutely not. No matter how beautiful and staged their instagram may look. How flawless they Seem right out of bed. Their picture perfect makeup and manicured hands. It all seems too good to be true, right? That's because it is guys. No ones life is picture perfect. That's just what they want you to see. What you don't see, is how much work went into all of it. The filters used. The editing. Maybe even the tears that were shed due to their own anxiety. Or the mask they put on for a picture because they feel numb inside. Mayne they themselves are having relationship problems or struggling with addiction. Of course, that's not always the case. However, just remember, when you're scrolling through someones perfectly edited page, they are not perfect.

Since opening up, it has allowed me to help others. I have had people reach out to me at times, telling me how much they love what I write because it helped them or even someone else they know, so much. It helped them feel less alone.

For example, recently, like sometime last week, I had a panic attack. In the shower while Adam was at work. Thankfully, I was able to calm myself down. Miracle its self, really. Then, a few hours later, I felt inspired to share this with a friend. Even though I wasn't sure as to why I should do this, I did it anyway. Thank you, Holy Spirit. They then expressed how grateful they were to me for sharing this with them because they didn't know I struggled with anxiety and panic attacks to the same extent that they do. They were so grateful to know that they were not alone and that someone they know understands.

I was so grateful that I listened to that still small voice. I am so grateful that I could help a friend know that they are not alone. Because we are not alone. We never have to be alone. But I understand the feeling. Sometimes, that anxiety and depression makes you feel utterly alone - and it hurts. A lot. Even I sometimes forget, that there is always one person who truly knows and understands that pain I am feeling. Because He felt it, too. My Savior, Jesus Christ. He felt all our pain. All of it.

Opening up has allowed me to be more candid with people. I'm no longer afraid to share with others that I have these types of struggles with anxiety and depression. You never know who you might help by opening up and letting others know. Plus, it helps you as well. It helps me. I have become so much more accepting of myself and not ashamed of my problems. Because they are NOT MY FAULT. They are not who I am. They do not define me. My anxiety, my depression, my struggles with self-esteem. They are not what makes me, me. They are just the trials I've been given in this life. Weaknesses that I work to make strengths. I know that may sound weird but it's true. I work on these weaknesses so I can help others. To that makes them a strength.

Remember, you are not alone. You are loved. You have a loving Heavenly Father. A Savior who knows all your pain. Because He has felt it. He died for you. That is how loved you truly are. If you are struggling with something, anything, I invite you to start Letting Others Know. Allow your own healing to begin

God Bless


Monday, June 18, 2018

Motherhood

Motherhood. The best job of all. Why? Because its a divine role. One that I cherish and love and feel blessed to have. Now, I have to confess something though. I didn't always think this way. Growing up, being a mom was not at the top of my priority list. So, let's go back in history a but.

As a child, I didn't really dream of having babies of my own. I didn't grown up thinking of having my own family. I never pretended to be getting married. I didn't dream of my wedding. Quite the opposite, really.

I dreamed of going to college and becoming a professional and the best in whatever field I chose. Astronaut. Paleontologist. Veterinarian. Then as I got into high school, dancing took over my life. I lived and breathed dancing. It was my favorite thing to do and I wanted to prove that I could be one of the best at my school. Even though I did not grow up dancing. And children? Well, the thought got farther and farther from my mind.

I didn't grow up babysitting, I didn't have little siblings. I didn't like kids. Heck, I didn't understand kids my own age. As a teen, I thought most teens my age were immature. Then, I graduated high school.

My senior year in high school, I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. (You can read more about that in my, Let's Talk: Mental & Emotional Abuse). So, by the time I graduated, I was lost and had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't really want to go to college yet, but felt like I had to because that was the next natural step... right? Well, shortly before college started, on August 10th, 2008 - I met Adam. In that moment, my life changed for the better. Little did I know that I would marry Adam only a year later, August 10th, 2009. I was 19 years old and still unsure of children. Thankfully, Adam wasn't ready to have kids right away either. But, over time, God worked on me, to prepare me for the desire to want children.

This shift came gradually so that when we decided to try and have children, it wasn't completely terrifying. In fact, it was exciting. Well, God blessed us with Alister right away. As my due date got closer, I because terrified. Petrified, really. I wasn't sure I would be good at being a mom. Why? Because I didn't know a thing about children. I had never held a newborn before. I was terrified that I wouldn't have maternal instincts. What if I was a terrible mother? What if I hated my baby? Resented it for changing my life? What if (anxiety) ruled over me for a time. But, then, I held my baby Alister for the first time. For a moment all that fear melted away and peace and love filled my heart and soul. Here he finally was, in my arms. All the pain and struggles I endured during pregnancy - it was worth it. He was worth it. And I would do it all over again for my babies. Because in that moment, a shift happened inside of me. Inside my soul. I became a mother.



Now, I know that there has been and still is a learning curve for me. But, to my surprise, motherhood and maternal instincts came a lot more naturally to me then I could have ever imagined. And I know why. It's my divine role, given to me by Heavenly Father. He needed me to be a mother to these two precious boys. Me. Scared little me. He knew that if I came to him and put my faith into him, that I could be a strong, loving mother. I am so grateful for his trust in me. I could not imagine my life being a different way. I love motherhood. I love being a mom. 

“The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. Please know that it is worth it then, now, and forever.” —Jeffrey R. Holland“



I am so blessed to able to be a stay-at-home-mom. It's the best job there is for me. It's not always easy. In fact, it's quite hard. But, that's ok. They still love me. Even on hard days. I love it. Let's list things I love about it.

- Random "I love you" through out the day.
- Listening to them sing songs in their room.
- Their want and willingness to help around the house.
- Their laughter.
- Hugs.
- Kisses.
- Going to the church parking lot to ride bikes.
- Seeing different creations with blocks and Legos.
- Hearing them pray.
- Hearing questions about the scriptures while were reading.
- Restaurants are called "Dinner Stores".
- Doing school work on the living room floor.
- Their unconditional love.

Really the list is endless. I love my boys. I love being their mom. I love my Father in Heaven for believing in me to help these precious boys grow into wonderful men. The men that they are meant to be someday. I love everyday. Even the hard ones are worth loving.

“No society will long survive without mothers who care for their young and provide that nurturing care so essential for their normal development.” —Ezra Taft Benson



To mothers everywhere ~

Chin up, buttercup. You're doing great. Keep your faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Pray often. Keep loving yourself. You got this. You have the most wonderful and important job there is in this world. God is on your side. God loves you and wants you to succeed. So keep the faith. Stand tall but don't forget to go to your knees in humble prayer. Remember to love your motherhood.

“There is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood.” —M. Russell Ballard

Sunday, June 17, 2018

100

This is blog number 100!

Wow, kind of hard to believe that I've written that many and you haven't gotten sick of me yet.

So, as I sit here, contemplating on what to write number 100 on, I can't help but think, why. Why do I continue to write? Is it really helpful to anyone? Or, is it only therapeutic for me? Is it worth continuing?

Well, let me answer those questions.

I continue to write because I love it. Especially because when I write, I almost feel some kind of inspiration and words just flow out onto the keyboard. I'm not much of creative writer, except poetry which I haven't done in years. But, writing about my life, writing about my family and writing about my opinions and my faith in Jesus Christ. There is still a sense of freedom to be me through written words.

I believe it's helpful for others because they have told me so. I have received personal messages before for thanks on specific posts. I'm not bragging, but it certainly is a motivator to keep going.

It is definitely therapeutic for me. It is calming and freeing to write what is on my mind. I learn about myself when I write. So, really, I should do it more often.

Worth continuing? Absolutely. I not only write for me, but for others. Like I mentioned, when I write I feel inspiration. What I mean by that, is I feel lead by the Lord. I am certain that there are certain blogs I've written, mostly my ones on mental health, that He lead me to write. Because I didn't want to at first. But I kept feeling this push in my soul to write them. And people responded well to those. I believe my Savior loves it when I share my testimony through my blogs. I always feel peace when I do it. In fact, I think I'll do that now.

To my audience, I want to share with you my testimony of a loving Heavenly Father. I am confident in my heart, mind and soul that He is real. He is watching over us. He loves each and everyone of us.  I witness that Jesus Christ is our Savior. He did die for us upon a cross that we might be able to live with him again. He longs for us to come Home. I believe that the Holy Ghost, if we invite him, will be our constant companion. Those little quiet thoughts you have to say or do something kind for someone else, that is the Holy Ghost. Listen to him. Because you never know what kind of influence you have on their life. I believe in the power of prayer. That even when we can't feel God's spirit, He is listening. When we pray in faith, powerful experiences can happen. Miracles. I believe in The Book of Mormon. That it's words are true and that Joseph Smith translated them for us to use today. I believe Joseph Smith saw God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ in a grove. I believe that I am a daughter of God. That He loves me and that He loves you. I say these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

~

I believe that we all have a purpose in this life. Many really. And I believe one of mine is to reach people through my thoughts and words. Which is why I continue to write. And I will continue until I feel it's no longer necessary.

God Bless.

Friday, June 15, 2018

Let Boys Be Boys


Lately, with all the changes with the Boy Scouts and some pod casts Adam and I have listened to by Matt Walsh, I can't help but think about my own boys and the ever increasingly backwards world they are growing up in.

Years ago it was normal, natural and expected for men to be men and women to be women. Boys to be boys and girls to be girls. Each gender (because yes, there are only two genders), had their roles and it was perfectly harmonious.

Now, some of you may be thinking I'm old-fashioned. That I need to move on with the times and be enlightened. That's fine, you have that right. Just like I have the right to say, no way. I have strong beliefs and I know I'm "old-fashioned". I am perfectly accepting of this fact.

So, I don't get it. Why do the girls get to have Girl Scouts completely to them selves, but boys no longer get Boy Scouts to them selves? It think its wrong and unacceptable that we have taught girls to feel like if they aren't included in everything that the boys are doing, then they are being oppressed. I'm sorry, but that is completely selfish. Why as women, do you feel like you have and need the right to take away mens rights? Both genders need a place where they can spend time with just the same gender, allowing them to be completely themselves.

As a mother of two boys, you better believe this is upsetting to me. My boys have to grow up in a world where women will disrespect them just for being a man. They are growing up in a world where the media makes men seem dimwitted, lazy, incompetent, stupid and quiet frankly, useless. It's ludicrous really. For centuries, men have been the protectors and providers. What is so wrong with that now? I just don't get it. I, personally, am completely accepting of this role. I love that my husband does all he can to provide for my family and thinks of ways to help protect us if and when needed. I love my own role and feel very blessed that I get to be a stay at home mom. That I get to nurture, teach, play and love my boys all day. (I'll probably write a separate post about that soon).

Now that The Boys Scouts of America are dropping the "Boy" in their name and accept girls, we are not putting our boys into the scouting program. Call sexist or whatever other nasty name you choose, but I'm serious. My husband can teach them the necessary skills they would have learned in scouts. I will just have to find other ways to help my boys have boy time as they grow up. And I mean, boy time. Even with out me around, because I truly do think that it is important for them.

There is probably a lot more I could say, but I don't want this to get heated, so I will say one more thing.

I believe in a Heavenly Father. I believe he made man and woman to be companions. To help each other. To raise each other up, instead of tearing each other down. Let us love each for WHO we are instead of loathing each other for WHAT we are. Let boys be boys. Let girls be girls. Be proud of who you were born to be. You are a child of God. I am a child of God. My boys and my husbands or sons of God. And I love them for it.







Monday, February 19, 2018

Roller Coaster Stress & Blessings

I probably should have picked a different analogy for this because I actually really love roller coasters. But it works so whatever.

Life is like a roller coaster. Full of ups and downs. Loops and corkscrews. It's just the way it's meant to be. Life wasn't made to be easy. That's why we have good and evil. Wrong and right. Light and darkness. You get the idea. Life is hard.

But guess what? You don't have to go at it alone. Isn't that awesome! Even at our hardest moments, if we would just kneel and pray. Talk to your Father in Heaven. He will listen. He may not answer right away or give you the answer you want but just hold on. I promise He listens. He answers our prayers and knows our greatest desires.

                                                                             ~

Over the past couple of years, we have moved from Indiana to Florida and Florida to Idaho. These are not easy moves. If you've ever moved such far distances then you understand.

I've mentioned before that moving from Indiana was a hard move due to the fact that we loved it there. Adam loved his job, his calling at church, our home, neighbors and friends. We loved everything about it. We felt completely blessed in our lives. But we gave that up to move to Florida to help family. A humbling sacrifice.

Florida was a trial. Yes, we made good memories and we really liked the area of Orlando that we lived in. But it was big change and many things changed even more while we were there. Personal changes and spiritual changes happened in family members. Changes and choices were made that were hard to witness. But, like I said, we did make some good memories. Many around the dinner table, going to Cocoa Beach, days at Universal Studios and a trip to the Keys. These moments will live in our hearts with fondness.

Our decision to move back to Idaho also came with family reasons. One of the biggest reasons was for Adam's father, Bob. Whom as you may or may not know, has Alzheimer's. We decided it would be best to bring him back here since this is where he was born and grew up. He has lots of long term memories here and there are some family members in Rexburg. It's where he will be buried when he passes. It seemed the logical thing to do for longterm purposes. I still believe that to this day. Last week Bob was placed in a caring facility. It's a sorrowful process but is necessary at this time. When someone as young as Bob was when he was diagnosed with this terrible disease, it takes you fairly swiftly. The process went much more smoothly then anticipated which is a huge blessing. God has truly looked over our family and listened to our pleads and prayers.

A couple of months ago around the same time the decision came to place Bob in a home, Adam and I both felt strongly that our time here in Idaho was coming to an end. We both had the idea of going back to St. George and going back to Dixie State. After this thought things just starting falling into place to allow such a move. Blessings have just lined up and I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father.

So there you have it! We are moving back to St. George, Utah. We leave Idaho February 28th and begin a new chapter in our life.

Listen, God loves you. He does listen. God knows what we need and when we need it. He knows you better then anyone. God is rooting for you. So don't give up. Be patient. Keep living your life to the best of your ability. Keep faith and hope. God won't abandon you. You are not alone. Keep cheerful and keep looking forward. Each day is a gift. Something to learn each day. Keep an open mind so God can fill it with thoughts of hope and happiness.

Monday, January 1, 2018

2018: New Beginnings

The past couple of years have been very hard. In February 2016 we left our home in Fort Wayne Indiana. It was a necessary move. But the hardest move, no doubt. Then in March 2017, we moved from Florida to Idaho. These past couple of years have been filled with lots of personal trials and lessons. I could write about these tales of woes but it seems highly unnecessary at this point to wallow in the past.

This year, I am looking forward with hope and faith that this year will be a great year. One filled with new beginnings, adventure, growth and memories.

This year, I want to focus even more on my family. Becoming even more dedicated to them. Becoming more dedicated to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Dedicating my time and energy to become a better version of myself. And I'm excited!

Less screen time
More time working on skills, talents and hobbies
More time focused on my boys
More time focused on my husband
More time dedicated to my faith
More time at the temple

And so much more that could help me be a better me.

To 2018 and new beginnings. May we love what comes our way. May we learn from trials and allow growth. May we become better versions of ourselves.