established 10 august 2009

Monday, June 18, 2018

Motherhood

Motherhood. The best job of all. Why? Because its a divine role. One that I cherish and love and feel blessed to have. Now, I have to confess something though. I didn't always think this way. Growing up, being a mom was not at the top of my priority list. So, let's go back in history a but.

As a child, I didn't really dream of having babies of my own. I didn't grown up thinking of having my own family. I never pretended to be getting married. I didn't dream of my wedding. Quite the opposite, really.

I dreamed of going to college and becoming a professional and the best in whatever field I chose. Astronaut. Paleontologist. Veterinarian. Then as I got into high school, dancing took over my life. I lived and breathed dancing. It was my favorite thing to do and I wanted to prove that I could be one of the best at my school. Even though I did not grow up dancing. And children? Well, the thought got farther and farther from my mind.

I didn't grow up babysitting, I didn't have little siblings. I didn't like kids. Heck, I didn't understand kids my own age. As a teen, I thought most teens my age were immature. Then, I graduated high school.

My senior year in high school, I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. (You can read more about that in my, Let's Talk: Mental & Emotional Abuse). So, by the time I graduated, I was lost and had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't really want to go to college yet, but felt like I had to because that was the next natural step... right? Well, shortly before college started, on August 10th, 2008 - I met Adam. In that moment, my life changed for the better. Little did I know that I would marry Adam only a year later, August 10th, 2009. I was 19 years old and still unsure of children. Thankfully, Adam wasn't ready to have kids right away either. But, over time, God worked on me, to prepare me for the desire to want children.

This shift came gradually so that when we decided to try and have children, it wasn't completely terrifying. In fact, it was exciting. Well, God blessed us with Alister right away. As my due date got closer, I because terrified. Petrified, really. I wasn't sure I would be good at being a mom. Why? Because I didn't know a thing about children. I had never held a newborn before. I was terrified that I wouldn't have maternal instincts. What if I was a terrible mother? What if I hated my baby? Resented it for changing my life? What if (anxiety) ruled over me for a time. But, then, I held my baby Alister for the first time. For a moment all that fear melted away and peace and love filled my heart and soul. Here he finally was, in my arms. All the pain and struggles I endured during pregnancy - it was worth it. He was worth it. And I would do it all over again for my babies. Because in that moment, a shift happened inside of me. Inside my soul. I became a mother.



Now, I know that there has been and still is a learning curve for me. But, to my surprise, motherhood and maternal instincts came a lot more naturally to me then I could have ever imagined. And I know why. It's my divine role, given to me by Heavenly Father. He needed me to be a mother to these two precious boys. Me. Scared little me. He knew that if I came to him and put my faith into him, that I could be a strong, loving mother. I am so grateful for his trust in me. I could not imagine my life being a different way. I love motherhood. I love being a mom. 

“The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. Please know that it is worth it then, now, and forever.” —Jeffrey R. Holland“



I am so blessed to able to be a stay-at-home-mom. It's the best job there is for me. It's not always easy. In fact, it's quite hard. But, that's ok. They still love me. Even on hard days. I love it. Let's list things I love about it.

- Random "I love you" through out the day.
- Listening to them sing songs in their room.
- Their want and willingness to help around the house.
- Their laughter.
- Hugs.
- Kisses.
- Going to the church parking lot to ride bikes.
- Seeing different creations with blocks and Legos.
- Hearing them pray.
- Hearing questions about the scriptures while were reading.
- Restaurants are called "Dinner Stores".
- Doing school work on the living room floor.
- Their unconditional love.

Really the list is endless. I love my boys. I love being their mom. I love my Father in Heaven for believing in me to help these precious boys grow into wonderful men. The men that they are meant to be someday. I love everyday. Even the hard ones are worth loving.

“No society will long survive without mothers who care for their young and provide that nurturing care so essential for their normal development.” —Ezra Taft Benson



To mothers everywhere ~

Chin up, buttercup. You're doing great. Keep your faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Pray often. Keep loving yourself. You got this. You have the most wonderful and important job there is in this world. God is on your side. God loves you and wants you to succeed. So keep the faith. Stand tall but don't forget to go to your knees in humble prayer. Remember to love your motherhood.

“There is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood.” —M. Russell Ballard

Sunday, June 17, 2018

100

This is blog number 100!

Wow, kind of hard to believe that I've written that many and you haven't gotten sick of me yet.

So, as I sit here, contemplating on what to write number 100 on, I can't help but think, why. Why do I continue to write? Is it really helpful to anyone? Or, is it only therapeutic for me? Is it worth continuing?

Well, let me answer those questions.

I continue to write because I love it. Especially because when I write, I almost feel some kind of inspiration and words just flow out onto the keyboard. I'm not much of creative writer, except poetry which I haven't done in years. But, writing about my life, writing about my family and writing about my opinions and my faith in Jesus Christ. There is still a sense of freedom to be me through written words.

I believe it's helpful for others because they have told me so. I have received personal messages before for thanks on specific posts. I'm not bragging, but it certainly is a motivator to keep going.

It is definitely therapeutic for me. It is calming and freeing to write what is on my mind. I learn about myself when I write. So, really, I should do it more often.

Worth continuing? Absolutely. I not only write for me, but for others. Like I mentioned, when I write I feel inspiration. What I mean by that, is I feel lead by the Lord. I am certain that there are certain blogs I've written, mostly my ones on mental health, that He lead me to write. Because I didn't want to at first. But I kept feeling this push in my soul to write them. And people responded well to those. I believe my Savior loves it when I share my testimony through my blogs. I always feel peace when I do it. In fact, I think I'll do that now.

To my audience, I want to share with you my testimony of a loving Heavenly Father. I am confident in my heart, mind and soul that He is real. He is watching over us. He loves each and everyone of us.  I witness that Jesus Christ is our Savior. He did die for us upon a cross that we might be able to live with him again. He longs for us to come Home. I believe that the Holy Ghost, if we invite him, will be our constant companion. Those little quiet thoughts you have to say or do something kind for someone else, that is the Holy Ghost. Listen to him. Because you never know what kind of influence you have on their life. I believe in the power of prayer. That even when we can't feel God's spirit, He is listening. When we pray in faith, powerful experiences can happen. Miracles. I believe in The Book of Mormon. That it's words are true and that Joseph Smith translated them for us to use today. I believe Joseph Smith saw God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ in a grove. I believe that I am a daughter of God. That He loves me and that He loves you. I say these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

~

I believe that we all have a purpose in this life. Many really. And I believe one of mine is to reach people through my thoughts and words. Which is why I continue to write. And I will continue until I feel it's no longer necessary.

God Bless.

Friday, June 15, 2018

Let Boys Be Boys


Lately, with all the changes with the Boy Scouts and some pod casts Adam and I have listened to by Matt Walsh, I can't help but think about my own boys and the ever increasingly backwards world they are growing up in.

Years ago it was normal, natural and expected for men to be men and women to be women. Boys to be boys and girls to be girls. Each gender (because yes, there are only two genders), had their roles and it was perfectly harmonious.

Now, some of you may be thinking I'm old-fashioned. That I need to move on with the times and be enlightened. That's fine, you have that right. Just like I have the right to say, no way. I have strong beliefs and I know I'm "old-fashioned". I am perfectly accepting of this fact.

So, I don't get it. Why do the girls get to have Girl Scouts completely to them selves, but boys no longer get Boy Scouts to them selves? It think its wrong and unacceptable that we have taught girls to feel like if they aren't included in everything that the boys are doing, then they are being oppressed. I'm sorry, but that is completely selfish. Why as women, do you feel like you have and need the right to take away mens rights? Both genders need a place where they can spend time with just the same gender, allowing them to be completely themselves.

As a mother of two boys, you better believe this is upsetting to me. My boys have to grow up in a world where women will disrespect them just for being a man. They are growing up in a world where the media makes men seem dimwitted, lazy, incompetent, stupid and quiet frankly, useless. It's ludicrous really. For centuries, men have been the protectors and providers. What is so wrong with that now? I just don't get it. I, personally, am completely accepting of this role. I love that my husband does all he can to provide for my family and thinks of ways to help protect us if and when needed. I love my own role and feel very blessed that I get to be a stay at home mom. That I get to nurture, teach, play and love my boys all day. (I'll probably write a separate post about that soon).

Now that The Boys Scouts of America are dropping the "Boy" in their name and accept girls, we are not putting our boys into the scouting program. Call sexist or whatever other nasty name you choose, but I'm serious. My husband can teach them the necessary skills they would have learned in scouts. I will just have to find other ways to help my boys have boy time as they grow up. And I mean, boy time. Even with out me around, because I truly do think that it is important for them.

There is probably a lot more I could say, but I don't want this to get heated, so I will say one more thing.

I believe in a Heavenly Father. I believe he made man and woman to be companions. To help each other. To raise each other up, instead of tearing each other down. Let us love each for WHO we are instead of loathing each other for WHAT we are. Let boys be boys. Let girls be girls. Be proud of who you were born to be. You are a child of God. I am a child of God. My boys and my husbands or sons of God. And I love them for it.







Monday, February 19, 2018

Roller Coaster Stress & Blessings

I probably should have picked a different analogy for this because I actually really love roller coasters. But it works so whatever.

Life is like a roller coaster. Full of ups and downs. Loops and corkscrews. It's just the way it's meant to be. Life wasn't made to be easy. That's why we have good and evil. Wrong and right. Light and darkness. You get the idea. Life is hard.

But guess what? You don't have to go at it alone. Isn't that awesome! Even at our hardest moments, if we would just kneel and pray. Talk to your Father in Heaven. He will listen. He may not answer right away or give you the answer you want but just hold on. I promise He listens. He answers our prayers and knows our greatest desires.

                                                                             ~

Over the past couple of years, we have moved from Indiana to Florida and Florida to Idaho. These are not easy moves. If you've ever moved such far distances then you understand.

I've mentioned before that moving from Indiana was a hard move due to the fact that we loved it there. Adam loved his job, his calling at church, our home, neighbors and friends. We loved everything about it. We felt completely blessed in our lives. But we gave that up to move to Florida to help family. A humbling sacrifice.

Florida was a trial. Yes, we made good memories and we really liked the area of Orlando that we lived in. But it was big change and many things changed even more while we were there. Personal changes and spiritual changes happened in family members. Changes and choices were made that were hard to witness. But, like I said, we did make some good memories. Many around the dinner table, going to Cocoa Beach, days at Universal Studios and a trip to the Keys. These moments will live in our hearts with fondness.

Our decision to move back to Idaho also came with family reasons. One of the biggest reasons was for Adam's father, Bob. Whom as you may or may not know, has Alzheimer's. We decided it would be best to bring him back here since this is where he was born and grew up. He has lots of long term memories here and there are some family members in Rexburg. It's where he will be buried when he passes. It seemed the logical thing to do for longterm purposes. I still believe that to this day. Last week Bob was placed in a caring facility. It's a sorrowful process but is necessary at this time. When someone as young as Bob was when he was diagnosed with this terrible disease, it takes you fairly swiftly. The process went much more smoothly then anticipated which is a huge blessing. God has truly looked over our family and listened to our pleads and prayers.

A couple of months ago around the same time the decision came to place Bob in a home, Adam and I both felt strongly that our time here in Idaho was coming to an end. We both had the idea of going back to St. George and going back to Dixie State. After this thought things just starting falling into place to allow such a move. Blessings have just lined up and I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father.

So there you have it! We are moving back to St. George, Utah. We leave Idaho February 28th and begin a new chapter in our life.

Listen, God loves you. He does listen. God knows what we need and when we need it. He knows you better then anyone. God is rooting for you. So don't give up. Be patient. Keep living your life to the best of your ability. Keep faith and hope. God won't abandon you. You are not alone. Keep cheerful and keep looking forward. Each day is a gift. Something to learn each day. Keep an open mind so God can fill it with thoughts of hope and happiness.

Monday, January 1, 2018

2018: New Beginnings

The past couple of years have been very hard. In February 2016 we left our home in Fort Wayne Indiana. It was a necessary move. But the hardest move, no doubt. Then in March 2017, we moved from Florida to Idaho. These past couple of years have been filled with lots of personal trials and lessons. I could write about these tales of woes but it seems highly unnecessary at this point to wallow in the past.

This year, I am looking forward with hope and faith that this year will be a great year. One filled with new beginnings, adventure, growth and memories.

This year, I want to focus even more on my family. Becoming even more dedicated to them. Becoming more dedicated to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Dedicating my time and energy to become a better version of myself. And I'm excited!

Less screen time
More time working on skills, talents and hobbies
More time focused on my boys
More time focused on my husband
More time dedicated to my faith
More time at the temple

And so much more that could help me be a better me.

To 2018 and new beginnings. May we love what comes our way. May we learn from trials and allow growth. May we become better versions of ourselves.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Counseling

Earlier this Summer, I started seeing a counselor again. For the first time since leaving Indiana. Was I nervous? You better believe it. Scared of discovering that I was crazier than I thought. Discovering that I WAS crazy as I felt. That maybe there was some mental disorder that had gone unchecked and would be finally diagnosed. Believe me, the "What ifs" were endless and relentless. The fear and stress seemed to creep into every thought. Even the thought of having to be on Anti-Depressants terrified me. (There is nothing wrong with modern medicine. I know it works wonders for others and that is awesome. I just have etched in stone thoughts on medicine for myself.) I was fearful that all these fears would become true and that I would feel even more unfit to be the mother of my beautiful boys and unworthy to be my husbands wife. Irrational fears? Yes. But fears nonetheless that consumed me inside. Darkness was all I felt and the only future I could see.

Then came my first appointment. I remember my heart racing as I sat in that waiting room. Wondering what kind of information, what new Corrinne would come out of that counselors room. Then, a middle aged man came out and called my name. He shook my hand and introduced himself. (We will call him Andy). I could barely look at him as we shook hands and said our hellos. I followed him to the end of the hallway to his office. It was small but quant. We sat down and he started to ask some questions, to get to know me and understand why I was there. What my goals were and what I wanted to get out of counseling. My test score was pretty high, indicating i was in a state of severe depression (again). (For those of you who do not know, when you go to see a counselor, you take a sort of test. One you answer truthfully. This helps indicate what type of mental state you are currently in and what may need to happen to better it.) That was fairly upsetting but no surprise, really. I knew I was in poor shape.

I sat in a large, comfy chair holding a pillow close to my chest the whole time we talked. As we started digging into my fears, worries and sorrows that still haunted me to that day for the past ten years, tears flowed from my face. I felt vulnerable and exposed. Here I was pouring out my heart to a man I had just met and for some reason I felt - Safe. Safe? It was unexpected. But I wanted to welcome it. I wanted to continue to sob and utter all my deepest feelings and thoughts. By the time it was over, I was still crying. The receptionist who rescheduled me saw me in tears but I could still sense her sympathy as I parted from the building. And even though, I felt exposed and raw - I couldn't wait to go back. To feel that safety again and be in a place of no judgement. I longed for it. Thinking, I needed it.

Could it be that this was the answer? The answer to all my pleas in prayer form. Prayers that felt like they were hitting a lead ceiling just floating there never to reach heaven. I believe it was. It is.

God was still there. He had been listening. Not only listening, He had been with me the whole time. Sitting with me as I prayed. Sorrowing over His daughter who hurt so much she felt numb. It seems impossible, to hurt so much and be numb at the same time. But its what I felt. Constantly. And so, to have my eyes begin to open to the love that my Father in Heaven had for me and all He had done for me - it was humbling beyond words.

Over the next several weeks, I went back. Back to my safe Haven. Back to shed more tears and pour out my thoughts and feelings to Andy. Then something remarkable began to happen. I learned. I learned about myself. Realizations hit me. Connections from my past to present were made. My instinctual behaviors began to make sense. Why I thought the was I did. Why I acted in these peculiar ways. It started to add up and you know what? It was exciting. Here I was, 27 years old and finally understanding certain behaviors I had portrayed for as long as memory had served me. I was finally understanding - me. One thing I had wanted for so many years but could never grasp was becoming reality. If you have ever experienced this - discovering yourself - then you know the surreal joy that comes from it. By no means am I at a Masters Degree on myself yet, but I am continuing to learn. And I hope I never forget.

Fast forward to now. Andy has told me that I can be done with counseling. What? Admittedly, that thought scares me. Which, of course, I expressed. So we agreed that I should book an appointment for a month out and see how the next month goes. If I feel I need to go back in for one last time, I will. If not, I can cancel. How did I even get to this point? Is that what your wondering? I know. I wondered the same thing. Well, I woke up. I kept an open mind and was willing to learn. I accepted  who I was and where I was and decided I could be better. I could be happier. I needed to be happier. I wanted to be happier. So what did I learn? Well, here's a few things that maybe will help you.

I learned how to catch negative thoughts, process and assess them appropriately and turn them into positive thoughts instead. This is huge. This was the first thing I began to learn from Andy. I started learning this in our second appointment and have practiced since.

I then learned (without realizing it right away), that its ok to put up boundaries. Physical, mental and emotional. For me, this meant letting go of toxic relationships. Not letting myself be exposed to certain people who have hurt me in the past over and over again. Boundaries have become very important to me and it's something I intend to continue to practice as the years go on. But, you have to do this appropriately. You can't just shut yourself out barricading yourself away. Appropriate boundaries.

The other important lesson I really learned was that I do not need the approval of all others. Just those who are most important to me. And I identify who those individuals are and then let the opinions of everyone else go. Is this easy? No, it takes effort. I had to tell myself over and over that "I don't care what you think." This has allowed me to slowly start to be a more genuine me. And let me tell you something. All of these lessons have been absolutely freeing. Liberating. I feel lighter. And these feelings and lessons are enough for me to keep a close eye on myself. To not allow myself to sink back into the darkness that consumed me just some weeks ago.

This is not to say I won't struggle. I know I'll have down days. My depression and anxiety still come some days without warning. Somedays its still hard to pull myself up. However, it has gotten easier. And I know, the more I practice the easier it will become.

Remember you're not alone. God is listening. Heck, He weeps over your sorrows with you. I know with out God, I couldn't have gotten to this point. I'm certain that I saw Andy and not someone else because he was the one who could help me best and God knew that before I did. I love my Savior and I'm so grateful for His patience, love and guidance. I'm grateful for Andy and his counsel, friendship and the way he laughed when I got incredibly animated as I talked to him at times. I'm grateful for LDS services. I'm grateful for my Bishop who gave me the referral so I could go to LDS services. I'm grateful for my husband, Adam. For his love, support and faith in me. He has always seen a strong woman in me and has always know I could be that strong woman. Thank you for never giving up on me. I'm grateful for my parents and their understanding and support as I went through counseling. And again, I'm most grateful for my Savior. For His love and guidance in all of this growing I have done this past summer.

Remember, you are not alone.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Back to Basics

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to help a couple of close friends by listening and giving advice. Sometimes, that advice just comes, like they aren't my words at all. I think times like that is when there is something for both of you to learn. Which is so awesome. I believe its the Lords way of having you help someone in need and helping yourself to grow and learn. So, what did I learn yesterday? I learned the "Back to Basics" concept.

What is it? Well, I didn't know until I typed it out in a text message like I knew what I was talking about, HA! But it helped my friend. And it helped me. In this example, its to remind us mothers that we are good and worthy of our children. But I believe you apply this to any situation.

So, when you're having a hard time in life remember these Basics.

Repeat out loud, as many times as needed:

- I am a daughter/son of God, and He loves me.

- My kids are also children of God, and He loves them.

- God sent these children to me. They are mine. And that must mean, I am enough.

- I am a good mother and I can make this right.

- I love my children and they love me.

So take a deep breathe. Pray out loud and try to feel that validation you need that you ARE ENOUGH through your Father in Heaven. Ask for forgiveness for your shortcomings. And remember, there is time for improvement. Every. Single. Day. You got this. I know it.

Remember, God's love is Real. The atonement is real. His Light is in You. And You are worth His time.