established 10 august 2009

Friday, January 27, 2017

Anxiety: Light, Shadow & Electricity

Tonight, I sat with my dad semi watching t.v. and talking about random things. Almost the entire time I sat on that floor, I could just feel my anxiety running through my body. Like electricity, it just keeps moving. Even now, I sit here writing while rocking back and forth trying to cope and calm down. Wishing so badly that Adam was here. That I could be in his arms so that I might relax. I'm on the verge of tears because I miss him so much and it makes dealing with this anxiety even harder!


Why tell you this? To tell you, you're not alone. I'm not alone. I might feel like I am, but I'm not. I know there are others in my life that know these emotions and the physical aspects that come with anxiety. They've experienced them, too. I know that I'm with my family, and I'm so grateful to have this time with them. And I feel bad that my missing Adam affects my mood while I'm with them at times. But I know they understand. 

Adam just makes me feel better. When I'm having a bad day filled with anxiety or depression or both, when he gets home, I usually start to feel better. But this also makes me feel bad as a mother. I feel guilty that I don't feel this same kind of release from my demons with my boys. That I get frustrated with them while battling off emptiness or figment scenarios. My "What If's". But it's what happens. It's something I'm working on. Something I have to battle every day. It's tiring. Draining. And that lack of energy only feeds my demons. Making me think I'm not a good enough wife. My boys deserve a better mother. That I should be alone. And guess what!? This happens more frequently then I care to admit. 

But earlier, I posted a picture of the temple, saying be need to let our light shine. Don't let the shadows entice into thinking they hold truths when all that lurks there are puppet masters. This is the same thing. Anxiety and depression, they are trying to led me to these shadows, trying to convince me that these whispers of deceit are truths. But they. Are. Lies. And I know it! But still I step too close to the shadows! Why? Because I'm imperfect. Because I'm human. But thankfully, my Savior IS Perfect. 

And in Him, I can step back towards the light. And I continue to fight these battles with His help. His atonement and His love and perfect understanding of what I'm battling. And I am so grateful. Where would I be with my Saviors love and forgiveness? What lies would I believe and what shadows would I hid behind? 

Anxiety manifests itself in many ways and the way we cope varies from person to person and sometimes from day to day. But no matter what, I know I have my Savior. He hasn't left. He hasn't forgotten. He loves me. And He is ready to fight for me and with me. 

That's all we really need. Right? 

Thursday, January 26, 2017

The Book Of Mormon

Last Year, while I was 25, I read The Book Of Mormon in 90 days. It was the first time in my life that I had ever read it all the way through by myself. I felt so accomplished. I did it! It was surreal to feel the Holy Ghost bear witness to me that what I had read, was indeed true. 

Now, I had always had a small, basic testimony that The Book Of Mormon was true. Based on my testimony of Joseph Smith being a prophet and translating it. But I needed it to be stronger then it was -  something I could truly lean on in times of struggle. And reading it like that gave me a glimpse of what my testimony could be. And I crave for it to be stronger. 

After moving to Florida, my habits became out of whack. It was a distracting time and a lot was going on that was stressful and out of our control. It was extremely difficult at times. 

Well, last September (maybe, not totally sure) I began to read the scriptures to the boys at bed time. After they were all tucked into bed I would read a chapter or two. And it quickly became a habit that they needed, too. And so, I of course, continued to read to them. Every night. And now, it's a set in stone habit. 

Now, I'm back in Utah. And since being here, I have been able to physically feel my spirituality grow and strengthen. My understanding of the Book of Mormon has become more clear. I can imagine it in my mind more fully then ever before. I have felt the spirit bear witness to me that these words are true, over and over again. I love it. 

I love to feed my soul and search for a better understanding. I love feeling the physical growth of my spirit. Something I've never really understood before. But I crave it now. I need it. And I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven and my Savior for my experiences. 


Thursday, January 19, 2017

Wandering Spirit

If you know me, you most likely know I grew up in the St. George area of Southern Utah. Growing up, I struggled with the strong pull to want to leave and wander the America land. I desperately wanted to Boston and Chicago. Visit Yellowstone, the Rockies and Niagara Falls.  See rolling hills and golden wheat farms. Experience all the Church sites I could. Feel the spirit and pray in the Sacred Grove. 

Well, none of these happened growing up which in turn developed a distain for the red rocks and mountains. Cactus and heat. I longed for four seasons. 

Then, at the naive age of eighteen, I met Adam. As I got to know him more, I learned that he grew up doing the things  and seeing all the places I wanted to see and visit and experience. (No, he was not a military child. His dad was a choir director). I was both intrigued and envious. 

Fast forward and we're married. Shortly after getting married, we moved to Idaho. I got to see the Tetons, Yellowstone, Island Park, Jackson Hole and amazing ice caves. 

We've also now lived in Indiana wear I got to see rolling hills in Iowa and golden wheat fields all around. Unfortunately, we didn't make it to Chicago or Niagara. Or other places that weren't too far, but one day. I'm sure. 

There was also Florida where we got to visit the beach and experience the Keys. 

Needless to say, my life has been full of adventure these past seven and a half years. My wandering spirit has been satisfied to some degree. (I don't think a wandering spirit can ever be guilt satisfied). But I have enjoyed our adventures and the memories. 

Now, we are back in St. George, Utah for a time. And I now have a new found love and appreciation for the beauty it holds here for the red rocks and surrounding mountains. Even the cactus and desaturated desert plants. I still don't like the heat though. Thank goodness it's winter. I love being here. I know I'm suppose to be here right now. I feel it when I'm among this nature and hear the crunch of the earth beneath my boots. When I feel the cold air on my skin. And hear natures cry for peace.