established 10 august 2009

Friday, January 27, 2017

Anxiety: Light, Shadow & Electricity

Tonight, I sat with my dad semi watching t.v. and talking about random things. Almost the entire time I sat on that floor, I could just feel my anxiety running through my body. Like electricity, it just keeps moving. Even now, I sit here writing while rocking back and forth trying to cope and calm down. Wishing so badly that Adam was here. That I could be in his arms so that I might relax. I'm on the verge of tears because I miss him so much and it makes dealing with this anxiety even harder!

.................

Why tell you this? To tell you, you're not alone. I'm not alone. I might feel like I am, but I'm not. I know there are others in my life that know these emotions and the physical aspects that come with anxiety. They've experienced them, too. I know that I'm with my family, and I'm so grateful to have this time with them. And I feel bad that my missing Adam affects my mood while I'm with them at times. But I know they understand. 

Adam just makes me feel better. When I'm having a bad day filled with anxiety or depression or both, when he gets home, I usually start to feel better. But this also makes me feel bad as a mother. I feel guilty that I don't feel this same kind of release from my demons with my boys. That I get frustrated with them while battling off emptiness or figment scenarios. My "What If's". But it's what happens. It's something I'm working on. Something I have to battle every day. It's tiring. Draining. And that lack of energy only feeds my demons. Making me think I'm not a good enough wife. My boys deserve a better mother. That I should be alone. And guess what!? This happens more frequently then I care to admit. 

But earlier, I posted a picture of the temple, saying be need to let our light shine. Don't let the shadows entice into thinking they hold truths when all that lurks there are puppet masters. This is the same thing. Anxiety and depression, they are trying to led me to these shadows, trying to convince me that these whispers of deceit are truths. But they. Are. Lies. And I know it! But still I step too close to the shadows! Why? Because I'm imperfect. Because I'm human. But thankfully, my Savior IS Perfect. 

And in Him, I can step back towards the light. And I continue to fight these battles with His help. His atonement and His love and perfect understanding of what I'm battling. And I am so grateful. Where would I be with my Saviors love and forgiveness? What lies would I believe and what shadows would I hid behind? 

Anxiety manifests itself in many ways and the way we cope varies from person to person and sometimes from day to day. But no matter what, I know I have my Savior. He hasn't left. He hasn't forgotten. He loves me. And He is ready to fight for me and with me. 

That's all we really need. Right? 

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