Faith in Myself, because it's Needed

Having faith in my Lord and Father in Heaven are much easier then having faith in myself.  As it is for many people I'm sure. Tonight was a struggle, as I sat at the couch trying to think of what to teach and say to the young women that I will be teaching tomorrow. *I was recently called as the Second Counselor in Young Women's* The emotions of not seeming fit for such a leadership position began to take over and consume my thoughts. How could I teach these girls to be wondrous and strong daughters of God when I struggle myself in so many ways.

This resulted in me asking my dear husband for a blessing. A blessing where the Lord let me know that not only did I need to have faith in Him, but I needed to display faith in myself. What? You mean, I have to think of myself as a leader? A teacher? An example? Oh boy. That's one of the hardest things I think I've ever been told in a blessing. Nonetheless, 'I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded me'. But, he's right. How can I teach these spiritual teachings without faith in myself that I can? Answer. I simply cannot. I must look inside myself and find the qualities that the Lord sees in me. To seek my divine nature. My integrity. My faith. For I believe, that if I do these things and more, I will see miracles and many blessings in my calling. And for that, I am grateful. I hope that I can one day write again and say with all honesty that I have found Faith in Myself.

Ode to the Fort

Well, it hasn't been a week since we left and emotions are high. To be expected when you uproot your family to another state and to circumstances less then happy. However, it is a blessing to be here with family. 

The day we left Fort Wayne (February 24th), it was cold and freezing rain. As we finished packing the truck and taking one last look in our home, I couldn't help but linger just a few seconds longer gazing into the living room and how sad the blue walls looked now that they were emptied. After getting the boys in the car and trying to keep warm, Adam started the car and bowed our heads in a prayer. We prayed for safety and we prayed in gratitude. Gratitude for the time we got to spend in Fort Wayne, Indiana. For the memories we cherish and the friends we made. A few tears were shed during those beautiful words to our Lord. A few more as we drove away from home. (And a few more now, as I sit here and reflect on this conflicting experience). Fort Wayne was where Corbin was born. That house is where he learned to crawl, walk and talk. It's where Alister became a big brother. It's where my husband finally had a job that he absolutely loved. And one where he had a bigger influence then either of us really understood until we left. 

I remember when Adam and I first arrived in Fort Wayne for his interview at SweetWater. As we drove from the airport into town on that very stormy and cold spring April day, I cried. Yep. I totally cried. Overwhelmed with a sense of joy and sensation as if... I'd come home. Home. 

Anyone one who knows me well, will most likely know that I love Idaho. I mean, I LOVE Idaho. It was the first move Adam and I made together as husband and wife and it was the first place I lived that I absolutely just fell in love with. I can't explain it. But I will always love Idaho. Now, you're probably thinking this is totally random. However, I want you to understand, that while I love Idaho the Midwest is my home. I believe it. And while I may never live at home again, I believe I can fall in love with other places. I hope I can fall in love with Florida in some way. 

The wonderful thing is that our boys love it here. They can go outside more, we can walk to grandma and grandpa's. It's awesome and they seem to be having the time of their life. 

While this new adventure took a lot of mental preparation to accept then any other move, I sure wouldn't want to do it with anyone else then Adam and my boys. This would be so much harder without them. But it certainly more rich and rewarding with them. 

Now, don't get me wrong. So far, we are really liking Florida. With scenery, the people, the weather and the vibe. It's pretty awesome. 

Take luck my friends. Take luck. 

Corbin: Two Years

I know this late. But he's still two so it counts! 

Corbin turned two years old January 8th and it's just hard to believe. I remember driving to the hospital to deliver him. I remember looking at Adam and him telling me I'm doing great while I was painfully pushing. I remember holding my little boy for the first time and looking at his little swollen face. I knew then that are lives were being blessed and would be even fuller with joy and laughter. 

And now, he's a walking and talking toddler with a big personality. He's opinionated, loves to give me lots of hugs and do things that little boys love to do. 

He's still a little light weight for his age and shorter then most. But we love him that way. He lives up to the long time myth of red heads having a fiery and passionate personality. He adores his dad and loves to play with Alister. He loves to help me unload the dishes and know his alphabet. He's a smart little cookie who's always surprising us. We love watching his personality come out and shine more and more. He's our little blue-eyed, Irish boy and we love him with our hearts. 

Twins are Connected

Back in October, our little family took a short trip to Utah. We took a plane for the first time as a family. Which wasn't bad because we flew at night. Seriously, Corbin passed out like three minutes into ascent. He slept the whole flight. Awesome. 

While we were there, we helped Adams parents pack up to move to Florida. That was one of our main reasons for going out there. The second reason was to go to the temple. My brother (twin brother), was going through for the first time. 

Other then going through the temple my first time and then being married to my husband, this was one of the single most happiest and surreal experiences of my life. I'm sure I glowed with a smiled plastered to my face as I watched him soak it all in and glow with the light of Christ himself. There are emotions I felt that I can not adequetely discribe with words. Spiritual emotions not only from watching my brother take out his endowments but spiritual emotions connected between twins. A connection that I can honestly say I can not utter in words because I simply do not have the ability to discribe it. It was like a glimpse of heaven. I had similar feelings when Adam and I were married but this was different in way. 

So to put it simply, it is a special experience that I won't soon forget. The love I felt for my brother and family I'm sure was only a fraction of what will feel in the next life to come. 

Quitter? Me? No.

Recently, I was called a quitter... Wow.  That just blew me away.  I had never been called a quitter before.  It sounds so negative coming out of someone else's mouth and flies through your ears and enters your brain, raining down on you with judgement.  Now, you're probably wondering, Why?  Why were you accused of such a selfish action.

This last Sunday, I decided that I am no longer going to be a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant.  Some of you may be surprised by this decision.  In shock and awe.  Well, it's not like this decision happened over night.  For, at least, the last few weeks, I've had this thought quietly sitting in the back of my mind.  I chose to ignore because I was focused on big goals.  Directorship, free car and building a team to help others find confidence and success.  Well, overtime this thought got louder and louder.  So loud that there was no possible way to ignore it any longer.  I began to realize that my attitude and emotions were changing.  I no longer left appointments or meetings feeling encouraged, vitalized and pumped to take on the world.  No.  I was beginning to feel empty, numb, worrisome, alone, burdened and saddened.  I found this to be confusing.  These emotions came more frequently and stayed with me longer and longer.

Last Saturday, so a week ago, somethings about Mary Kay came up between Adam and I after putting the boys to bed.  I knew that it was time to tell Adam what I had been thinking about and how I felt.  We discussed it and he, as always, was very supportive.  He assured me that he knew I would do what was right and would support me in my final decision.  This was encouraging.  That night, before bed, I prayed.  I wanted so badly to make the right decision and I sincerely pleaded with my Lord to help guide me in making the right decision not only for myself, but for my family as well.

The next day at church, I received my answer.  Our relief society lesson was on pride.  What a hard lesson.  One that I, surprisingly, was very willing to hear.  We discussed prides different forms.  Envy and coveting were a couple of the forms that stood out to me most during the lesson.  After hearing those words, I came to shocking realization that I was partaking in these forms of pride.  Those big goals I had?  Many were just materialistic.  I knew things needed to change.  I needed to change.  And, surprisingly, I was willing to admit that I had been prideful.  I did not take joy in it.  But, I was willing, therefore, I had a very humbling experience.  That in its self was freeing.

That night, after putting the boys to bed, I discussed the lessons I had learned with Adam.  And then, with out much thought, I said "I no longer want to be a consultant."  When I spoke those words out loud, I knew them to be true.  It was confirmed.  And the more I said it the more relief I felt.  The more joy filled my soul.  A weight had been lifted.  I couldn't go to sleep, I was so happy!  At 10:30pm, I called up my parents to tell them the news.  They were understanding, supportive and proud of my decision.  The support of my family and of Adam is so reassuring.  And I am so grateful to them for it.

So, skipping a few days, I then had to tell someone who was apart of Mary Kay.  I wasn't the easiest thing to do, but it needed to be done.  The reason it wasn't easy was because this person truly believed in me and my goals.  They believed I could do anything I set my mind to and then some.  But, their response was hurtful and infuriating.  I didn't know what to say.  After steaming over it for a few days and attending the General Women's Conference Broadcast this evening, I've come to a sense of peace.  Having this person call me a quitter was (key word, "was") unsettling.  However, I've been reminded that with the Lords help I can do anything and that His opinion is really the only one that matters.  And I know, with out a doubt, that He does Not think of me as a quitter.  As a daughter of my Heavenly Father, I strive to be like my Savior.  I may stumble and fall, but I do not Quit.  I, sometimes, have a good cry, look up, take my Saviors hand, Stand up and dust off my pants.  I do not quit.  People will come in and out of your life.  Adventures and journeys will begin and come to an end.  My journey with Mary Kay has come to that end.  I learned what I needed to learn.  I grew in ways I needed to grow.  I gain, at least a little, more confidence.  And I learned the most important lesson in this journey.  Relying on the Lord and listening to his promptings and answers to my prayers.

As I was driving home from the broadcast tonight, I realized that I would much rather accept the harsh realization that I was holding onto pride tightly, then I would ever want to learn that something so fleeting took a higher and stronger priority over my family.  My husband and our boys.  They, they are my righteous reason for being a "quitter".  And I am so grateful to my Lord for my family.  Because the are my eternal blessing.  The ones worth fighting for and worth humbling myself over.  They are my eternity.

Six Years Down & Eternity to Go

A day of white, family, friends, the hot-blinding sun, flowers, pictures, smiles, laughs, tears of joy, hugs, good food (that we didn't really get to eat), the car wash, Adam getting put on probation from his job and most importantly, a covenant with The Lord. This describes our wedding day of six years ago. 

Now, after six years, we have lived in three states (Utah, Idaho and Indiana), lived in six different homes (three apartments, one duplex, two homes. One being my in-laws). Had three dogs, two mice, four gold fish, one demon cat and now one hedgehog. Not all of them were keepers but we had them for a short time. I've been pregnant twice and we've had two wonderful, handsome boys. Adam has had ten jobs, I've had five. We've been back to school just to drop out again. I've started cosmetology school but had to quit. 

While these are all just numbers, they all come with a story. Stories that Adam and I have made together. I feel so blessed to have taken such an adventure with my best friend. We have grown to love, understand and respect each other even more then before. We have had the laughed our hardest laughs and cried the most sorrowful tears. We have learned new skills together and gained new hobbies. 

Adam, I hope and pray that you know I love more and more all the time. You tell me that I am an example of patience and love. Know that you are an example to me, too. I love to listen to you teach on Sunday. It is a wonderful blessing to hear you bear witness of truth. Your testimony is beautiful and strong. Your willingness to teach others of the gospel, including coworkers is astonishing. Your courage to to defend our beliefs in a loving way is awe inspiring. I am so proud to be your wife. I am so happy to be the one that stood out to you. The one you fell in love with, even when you weren't expecting it. I know our boys will grow up to be courageous and pleasing in The Lord's eye and you are a big part of that truth. I love you, Adam. More then you may know or understand. Here's to eternity.     

90 Days

Recently, I finished reading The Book of Mormon. I did read it in 90 days. Which seemed daunting at first, but really is very doable. 

So, I mostly want to talk about my experience. But before I get into that, I must be honest. This was my first time reading The Book of Mormon all the way through. By myself. While I had read it several times growing up with my family. I had never succeeded in finishing on my own. Before I started, I would have been ashamed to admit this fact. But now, I'm only focusing on the good I have done. And that is, that I read it from beginning to end, on my own time. My own thought. My own initiation. 

Now, you may wonder 'Why?' Why did I decide to do this task. Well, at first, it was because of a lesson taught in relief society on The Book of Mormon. She had extra challenge cards from a previous lesson. Sitting there, I thought, 'I should do it'. So I picked up one of those cards on the way out and committed to myself and The Lord that I would complete this challenge. 

The more I thought about it through the day, I decided that I needed this. Not only would it be the right thing to do, but it would be beneficial to my soul. It would strengthen my testimony. And it did. 

My experience was special, because it was my own. Through out my reading I learned new things. I gained a new, higher level of respect for the prophets. Especially Abinadi. I don't know why, but reading his testimony that he bore to King Noah was the most powerful experience I had this time. His unwavering faith and testimony of our Lord touched my heart and bore witness to my spirit. 

While I may not have had a warm feeling overcome my soul and heart at the end, I did receive a sense of peace. When I finished reading that last verse, I could hardly believe that I had finished. At the age of 25 and growing up in the church, I had finally read The Book of Mormon all the way through. 

I began reading because I knew I should. I finished reading because I knew I had to, that I needed to finish. And because of it, I had spiritual experiences. My testimony is stronger. I have a sense of knowing for myself, that the words written in this sacred book are true. 

My testimony, my faith are some of most precious gifts in this life. Ones that I, like Abinadi, would die defending. I know others may not agree with this doctrine, but I will Never deny Jesus Christ. For that sin is not worth living for if it means living with the greatest regret I could imagine. 

I know my redemer lives. 

I know The Book of Mormon to be true. 

I know that President Monson is a true and living prophet. 

I know that Joseph Smith translated The Book of Mormon through the power and gifts of the Holy Ghost. 

I know my Savior loves me. 

I know that Jesus Christ will come again. 

With these words I leave you, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.