Earlier this Summer, I started seeing a counselor again. For the first time since leaving Indiana. Was I nervous? You better believe it. Scared of discovering that I was crazier than I thought. Discovering that I WAS crazy as I felt. That maybe there was some mental disorder that had gone unchecked and would be finally diagnosed. Believe me, the "What ifs" were endless and relentless. The fear and stress seemed to creep into every thought. Even the thought of having to be on Anti-Depressants terrified me. (There is nothing wrong with modern medicine. I know it works wonders for others and that is awesome. I just have etched in stone thoughts on medicine for myself.) I was fearful that all these fears would become true and that I would feel even more unfit to be the mother of my beautiful boys and unworthy to be my husbands wife. Irrational fears? Yes. But fears nonetheless that consumed me inside. Darkness was all I felt and the only future I could see.
Then came my first appointment. I remember my heart racing as I sat in that waiting room. Wondering what kind of information, what new Corrinne would come out of that counselors room. Then, a middle aged man came out and called my name. He shook my hand and introduced himself. (We will call him Andy). I could barely look at him as we shook hands and said our hellos. I followed him to the end of the hallway to his office. It was small but quant. We sat down and he started to ask some questions, to get to know me and understand why I was there. What my goals were and what I wanted to get out of counseling. My test score was pretty high, indicating i was in a state of severe depression (again). (For those of you who do not know, when you go to see a counselor, you take a sort of test. One you answer truthfully. This helps indicate what type of mental state you are currently in and what may need to happen to better it.) That was fairly upsetting but no surprise, really. I knew I was in poor shape.
I sat in a large, comfy chair holding a pillow close to my chest the whole time we talked. As we started digging into my fears, worries and sorrows that still haunted me to that day for the past ten years, tears flowed from my face. I felt vulnerable and exposed. Here I was pouring out my heart to a man I had just met and for some reason I felt - Safe. Safe? It was unexpected. But I wanted to welcome it. I wanted to continue to sob and utter all my deepest feelings and thoughts. By the time it was over, I was still crying. The receptionist who rescheduled me saw me in tears but I could still sense her sympathy as I parted from the building. And even though, I felt exposed and raw - I couldn't wait to go back. To feel that safety again and be in a place of no judgement. I longed for it. Thinking, I needed it.
Could it be that this was the answer? The answer to all my pleas in prayer form. Prayers that felt like they were hitting a lead ceiling just floating there never to reach heaven. I believe it was. It is.
God was still there. He had been listening. Not only listening, He had been with me the whole time. Sitting with me as I prayed. Sorrowing over His daughter who hurt so much she felt numb. It seems impossible, to hurt so much and be numb at the same time. But its what I felt. Constantly. And so, to have my eyes begin to open to the love that my Father in Heaven had for me and all He had done for me - it was humbling beyond words.
Over the next several weeks, I went back. Back to my safe Haven. Back to shed more tears and pour out my thoughts and feelings to Andy. Then something remarkable began to happen. I learned. I learned about myself. Realizations hit me. Connections from my past to present were made. My instinctual behaviors began to make sense. Why I thought the was I did. Why I acted in these peculiar ways. It started to add up and you know what? It was exciting. Here I was, 27 years old and finally understanding certain behaviors I had portrayed for as long as memory had served me. I was finally understanding - me. One thing I had wanted for so many years but could never grasp was becoming reality. If you have ever experienced this - discovering yourself - then you know the surreal joy that comes from it. By no means am I at a Masters Degree on myself yet, but I am continuing to learn. And I hope I never forget.
Fast forward to now. Andy has told me that I can be done with counseling. What? Admittedly, that thought scares me. Which, of course, I expressed. So we agreed that I should book an appointment for a month out and see how the next month goes. If I feel I need to go back in for one last time, I will. If not, I can cancel. How did I even get to this point? Is that what your wondering? I know. I wondered the same thing. Well, I woke up. I kept an open mind and was willing to learn. I accepted who I was and where I was and decided I could be better. I could be happier. I needed to be happier. I wanted to be happier. So what did I learn? Well, here's a few things that maybe will help you.
I learned how to catch negative thoughts, process and assess them appropriately and turn them into positive thoughts instead. This is huge. This was the first thing I began to learn from Andy. I started learning this in our second appointment and have practiced since.
I then learned (without realizing it right away), that its ok to put up boundaries. Physical, mental and emotional. For me, this meant letting go of toxic relationships. Not letting myself be exposed to certain people who have hurt me in the past over and over again. Boundaries have become very important to me and it's something I intend to continue to practice as the years go on. But, you have to do this appropriately. You can't just shut yourself out barricading yourself away. Appropriate boundaries.
The other important lesson I really learned was that I do not need the approval of all others. Just those who are most important to me. And I identify who those individuals are and then let the opinions of everyone else go. Is this easy? No, it takes effort. I had to tell myself over and over that "I don't care what you think." This has allowed me to slowly start to be a more genuine me. And let me tell you something. All of these lessons have been absolutely freeing. Liberating. I feel lighter. And these feelings and lessons are enough for me to keep a close eye on myself. To not allow myself to sink back into the darkness that consumed me just some weeks ago.
This is not to say I won't struggle. I know I'll have down days. My depression and anxiety still come some days without warning. Somedays its still hard to pull myself up. However, it has gotten easier. And I know, the more I practice the easier it will become.
Remember you're not alone. God is listening. Heck, He weeps over your sorrows with you. I know with out God, I couldn't have gotten to this point. I'm certain that I saw Andy and not someone else because he was the one who could help me best and God knew that before I did. I love my Savior and I'm so grateful for His patience, love and guidance. I'm grateful for Andy and his counsel, friendship and the way he laughed when I got incredibly animated as I talked to him at times. I'm grateful for LDS services. I'm grateful for my Bishop who gave me the referral so I could go to LDS services. I'm grateful for my husband, Adam. For his love, support and faith in me. He has always seen a strong woman in me and has always know I could be that strong woman. Thank you for never giving up on me. I'm grateful for my parents and their understanding and support as I went through counseling. And again, I'm most grateful for my Savior. For His love and guidance in all of this growing I have done this past summer.
Remember, you are not alone.
