Future Plans

The future. You never know what it's going to hold. What the Lord has in store for us. It's good to make plans. But it's also good to keep an open mind. Be adaptable, in case the Lord takes you a different direction.

With that being said. Let me tell you something exciting. 

No. I'm not pregnant. And no, we are not moving back to Utah. 

However, Adam has told me he wants to get a degree in hospitality. What? I know. He'd be perfect for it. He's a great people person and everyone loves him. At first when he told me about it, he talked about working on cruise ships. Ooooooo. Aaaahhhhhhhh. I know. I know. Seems awesome. And maybe it would be. For at least a time. But then, he told me something the other day.

He was talking to a co-worker who is about to graduate with a hospitality degree and asked what he's going to do with it. Co-worker was like, "I don't know. Probably find a nice hotel in a climate I like." Adam then proceeded with, "Shut up! Shut up! I know what I'm going to do!" 

He then told me that we've been thinking too small with cruise ships... Really? What's bigger then a cruise ship? And then he said the most beautiful words.

"A lodge, in Island Park." 

WHAT?! WHAT?! Hold on! A logde?! 

Ok. If you know us well enough, we love mountains, tall trees, hiking, camping, rivers and streams. Not to mention seasons (sorry Florida, but you don't really have any of that). We like cooler climates. No, we love them. 

Also, we honeymooned in Island Park. We lived in Idaho for a year and lioved it. It's perfect. And who knows, maybe we won't be Island Park in particular. Maybe somewhere in Montana or Washington. Who know! 

Point is, this is a plan. Something we are truly excited about and can see happening in our future. 

I love It. 

Depression: Let's Talk About It

I believe, without knowing it for many years, that depression has been with me since I was a small child. For as long as I can remember. For me, it is not just one phase of life, or an outcome from a terrible event. It is part of life. My life. 

With that being said, depression is not who I am. It is not how I am identified. It is a trial. My trial. And even though it's hard, I believe I was given this trial because I am strong enough to battle it. Now, honestly, when I'm really down, I don't believe those words. I don't believe I'm strong. But today, I do. I believe it. And I will work to keep that belief. So on days that are really hard, I can tell myself I'm strong. Or Adam can tell me. And I'll actually believe it. Remember it. Strive for it. 

Depression is a weakness in my life. But I'm working to make it a strength. Because I believe that if I work hard enough to win more battles, my Savior will fill in the gaps when I'm lacking to turn this weakness into a strength. We were taught by Ether in chapter 12: 

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I think a big humility building experience for me is just this. Sharing with all of you this secret, dark spot in me. Instead of fooling myself any longer that I can continue to hide it. That I should hide it. That no one wants or needs to know this part of me. And maybe, that's true. But, I don't care. 

I want to heal. I want to win more battles in this war I'm in against evil. I want to be made strong. I want to know, even just a fraction, what it's like to feel whole. 

Now, quite frankly, I'm not quite sure when it dawned on me that I have depression. But that's ok. I don't need to know. I know now. That's the important part. But, even when I figured it out, it took me years to accept it. And even longer, to humble myself enough to see a counselor regularly. Which wasn't until December... Of last year. That's right. That recent. I saw him once a week for a couple of months before moving to Florida. And it was awesome. 

I grew. I learned. And realized that things from my past still effect me like they happened last week. When I started in December, just before Christmas, I was rated for severe depression. A part of me wasn't surprised. I knew I was in a bad place mentally. Going once a week truly helped. At first, it felt like once a week wasn't enough. I needed more. But I stuck with one and eventually it got better. Truly a miracle. 

Now, some of you may be wondering, if I'm on medication. The answer? No. No I am not. I choose not be. If I truly don't have to be, I don't want to be. Instead, I opt for yoga, running and the gospel. I throw in a bit of dance here and there, too. When done right, these things truly do make me feel better. It's hard work, and sometimes I just don't want to do them. And sometimes, I don't. But then I regret it. Sometimes, I find the strength to force myself and am grateful I did. But, for me, these things work. They may not for you. That's ok. Find something that does. And when you find your niche. Stick with it.

I have depression. But I'm not going to let depression have me.  

My Confession

Depression. Anxiety. I've got it. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. It's part of who I am. There's a lot to say and stories I could tell. And I will one day. But one step at a time.

I have debated on posted this for a long time. Maybe a year or longer. But just thinking about being open and public about it gave me anxiety. Go figure. But yesterday I watched a video where Elder Holland talks about depression. And it really touched me. And I thought, "I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of suffering silently. I'm just... Tired." Depending on the severity of my depression phase, it is literally physically draining. I have finally reached the point where I am just plain tired of the stigma society has placed on me. I'll talk more about that in another blog post. 

Right now, I just need to be open and honest with everyone who knows me. It is important, I believe, for me to heal. For me to truly humble myself. For humility is key in letting The Savior heal your soul. And boy, do I need healing. So yes, expect me to talk more about this subject. And hopefully, through sharing this part of me, you will see change in me. A change of healing of heart and soul. 

Depression. Anxiety. Yeah. I've got those. I've got those bad. But you know what? That's ok. 

I'm ok.